Resolve Shaken, not Stirred

Today I got a last-minute invite to a joint birthday party for some former coworkers. I was excited to be going out, having spent all of last night on the couch alone. Well, it was just me and a tub of guacamole and Stacy and Clinton. But, you know, not the same as a night out. The first hour or so was uneventful and pretty fun- I got to catch up with some people I hadn't seen in a while, which is always nice.

And then, literally minutes after I'd been proudly telling my friend P about the end of my December affair and how it was SO NOT A BIG DEAL, said affair walked in the door. It had briefly crossed my mind that he may be there, but I hadn't really taken the idea seriously. And immediately I fel like I was going to barf on P's shoes.

And also immediately, I felt ashamed. Why was I having such a strong reaction to something I'd just been laughing about five minutes before? Hadn't I made peace with the situation? I thought so, but...now I was getting all kinds of pissed that he had seemed to walk right by without saying hello.

And just as I was about to go and seek him out myself, he came over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "Wow, your hair looks great." And then I became I puddle of useless Jell-O. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

In the end, it was actually a good thing, We talked for a bit, and actually TALKED about how things had ended up and that neither of us was super happy about that. Not that we want to go back to what we were doing- I personally know that he can't really give me the relationship I want right now, and that it'd be foolish to go in that direction at this point. But I am feeling a bit more hopeful that we may be able to be friends, hang out occasionally, whatever.

That and I was thinking THANK GOD I DID MY HAIR TONIGHT.

Back in the Game

Wow. It's been awhile. I tried to think of a creative way to tell you all where I've been for the last 2 months...Suffice it to say, it was a combination of a U-turn and a strike while trying to recover from said U-turn. The strike is officially over and I went on a real date over the weekend. My first real date since March.

Details: We met on match.com, he has a job, owns a house, has a car, is attractive and his emails were hilarious. The majority of the date went well. He was friendly, talkative and their were no awkward silences, which is always a plus. However, about 3 hours in he started asking a lot of questions about my most recent relationship. I tried to keep it vague: We broke up a year and a half ago, together on and off for 5 years, he's not in my life for a reason, blah blah blah. However, he kept asking questions about it and frankly I got so fed up I finally thought to myself "Fuck it, I'm just going to answer the damn questions and stop being avoidant." So I told him a good portion of the Jerry Springer relationship I was in.

Now, I know talking about exes is gererally a no-no on a first date, but at this point I'm annoyed that he kept asking and knew he would keep going until he would understand why I just didn't want to talk about it. I also have a certain level of understanding that it is a very crazy story and people are generally intrigued by it, so whatever...I told him. Upon hearing the story his response was: "Wow. Well now you make sense to me, I thought you were hard to read...I should probably tell you about my last relationship." Surprisingly enough, he says he's interested in going out again, so I guess the Jerry Springer story didn't freak him out too much. And while the last hour was torture, I am willing to see him again.

Then we come to all of the underlying issues that keep me from dating in the first place. Right now, my head is kind of spinning with the following:
Do I really have the time and energy for a relationship?
What if he gets to know me and hates me?
I am not "smitten" by him, shouldn't I be? (I have movies and television to thank for that one)
I hate getting to know people, I just want the comfort of already knowing someone.

So that's my story...we'll see what happens.

Have a mentioned my ovaries and uterus having been screaming at me to do something about my love life??

xx NB