I'm Smitten. Crap.

Oh dearest readers, I think I'm in trouble. Date #2 with T&A guy last night. Dinner and a comedy show. He introduced me to a few friends, they seemed really nice. And like last time-he is super easy to talk to and fun/easy to be around. So the end of the night comes around and it's a little awkward. He made a joke about how he's scarred for life about some girl in high school that he made a move on and she rejected him. Of course I get stupid at this point and don't know what to say or do. I said something completely silly about him not making me initiate the next date like I did this one, then we hugged goodbye.

I walked into my house thinking that I was quite possibly the most awkward 36 year-old in the universe and I was going to be single forever. Once again feeling confused: I thought he was interested, but didn't make a move blah, blah, self-esteem, blah, body image, blah. About 45 minutes later, while unable to get to sleep IT happened, I got the following text: Hey sleepyhead, can you read this? I want to see you again. Sooner than two weeks. I'm an easy sell, clearly.

There have been a few more emails and texts today, that are not the least bit "hard to read" and he happens to think that he is also in "trouble," but I'll keep them to myself (they are also not the least bit in the "sexting" category, you pervs.) So, yeah, I'm smitten and nervous as all get out. I'll save the nerves for another blog...I'm just going to enjoy the feeling for today.

xxNB

Three's a Crowd

In a moment of procrastination I just logged into a dating website I use, you know, just to see if anything needed my attention. As it happened, I had a new message. I was a little confused when I went to my inbox and the photo next to the subject line was of a woman. And then I started reading and, well, it got interesting.

Because, you see, it was from a woman- who was writing on behalf of herself and her male partner.

We are a fun, open-minded, professional couple (also safe, sane, D/D free, exclusive) who appreciate drama-free fun....We'd like to exchange e-mails, maybe chat over instant messenger, and if the chemistry is right, meet for a drink (after voice verifying by phone, of course) and take it from there. If you like what you're reading and seeing, drop an e-mail back and tell us a little more about you.

Um...wow. I'm not sure what I think about that right now, except that I'm surprised. And I guess slightly flattered? I'm not necessarily interested in that sort of thing, but to each their own, right? And it was certainly an interesting surprise on an otherwise mundane afternoon.

Crab Rangoon

I am so confused.

Date #4 with Upgrade. Went over to his place in the middle of the world's most over-hyped blizzard, had some snacks and a couple beers, watched Zombieland, told funny stories...He asked me what I was up to this weekend and talked about stuff we should do in the future. Talked about his favorite Chinese place and how I’d love their crab rangoons. He remarked on what a good time he had the last we went out together. BUT HE DID NOT MAKE A SINGLE MOVE. In fact, I'm pretty sure he never even touched me once I was out of my puffy purple parka. We sat next to each other on his couch under a blanket with enough tense space and silence between us to lose whole worlds (or at least love lives). Post movie, he drove me home and we had another awkward car hug good-bye.

Why do I feel like I am back in 6th grade?

Why do men have this magical way about them that completely and utterly flummox me?

Why was last night so awkward?

Dating is torture. And, I'd rather not prolong this torment if I have the option to go for the quick kill. I am perfectly content being single. I am happy in a relationship. I hate the in between part, the unknowing, the guessing, the second guessing, the deranged thoughts that go through my head in times of uncertainty.

So, I decided to just go for it. I emailed him to tell him that I like him even in the face of our discomfited platonic date. And, to round out my fit of frankness, I mentioned that I have no idea if he even likes me at all in return, but I’d suggest that he kiss me next time. Option two, we could always go out for bad Chinese food and discuss our respective dating lives over crab rangoons.

Queen of Spades

Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat

I have had a revelation. One brought on by procrastination and snow-dreaming, but a revelation nonetheless.

I am totally boring.

Oh, OK, not TOTALLY. I mean, some people actually think I'm kind of funny (you know, like my mom). But I have realized I have a pattern. it goes approximately like this:

Phase 1: Meet and date a guy I find very attractive, and marvel at our great and nearly instant chemistry.

Phase 2: Guy falls off face of planet; I get bummed. Am slightly buoyed by offer of date with another guy.

Phase 3: Go on date with new guy, who is Very Nice. Notice that I am not very attracted to him, but figure I'll keep trying till I'm sure, because he is Very Nice, after all.

Phase 4: Begin to feel exhausted from trying so hard to become magically attracted to Very Nice guy. Stop seeing him.

Phase 5: Whine about having no dates; eat popcorn in gratuitous quantities.

I have some thinking to do about my pattern, of course. Especially since I'm somewhere around Phase 3 right now (which, in South Park world, is "Profit"- if only that were the case here, am I right?). I am hoping I can break the pattern this time, while simultaneously fearing that in about three weeks I'll throw my hands up in frustration and go back to dating Orville Redenbacher until Phase 1 starts again.

Hard to Read?

Good news: I'm back from my first date with the T&A guy. I actually really enjoyed myself. I like him. I like him not only because he's a T&A guy, but because he's funny, laid back and talks A LOT (I don't talk a lot, it makes for good balance and no awkward silences).

Bad news: Two things, actually...I still hate dating. I prefer the comfort of a relationship. I know this is partly my fault. I would rather go on 100 job interviews vs. one first date. I know I'm good at my job and I can "sell" myself as an employee. However, I have such a hard time selling myself as a person/mate. So silly, I know. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but my head takes over, then the stomach follows suit and I make myself crazy. Typically, once I get there and the date begins, I'm fine...it's the build up and the thoughts after that make me feel like I'm in high school again.

The other bit of bad news, which is kind of good news insight-wise-he was hard to read. That is feedback that I get, a lot. I now get it and I am a bit more understanding of how frustrating that is. I honestly have no idea if he enjoyed himself. I could not read him at all. I mean, he was pleasant, laughed, talked, asked questions...but as far as weather or not he wants to see me again-I have no clue. Usually I have a pretty good idea. I'm trying not to over-analyze too much. Time to go meditate...

Liar.

A certain well-known social networking site is trying to ruin my morning.

I signed on quite innocently to finalize plans to meet up with some friends on Saturday. Loe and behold, my ex shows up on my live feed as posting a video. Now this is completely unremarkable except for the fact that there is a comment on the video with a certain name underneath it. Now, had this been any other name, I wouldn’t have thought a single thing, moving on with my day. But, this was the name of a woman who had sent me menacing text messages and voicemails for a long part of my relationship with him. I had never met her and had no idea what she looked like. He assured me after the text message disaster that she was no longer in his life at all. In fact, he assured me that she was nowhere near our city.

Cut to several months ago when we were rehashing our relationship YET AGAIN. As he was cooking dinner, I made the mistake of looking through his camera as he had recently returned from a trip overseas. Realizing I was flipping through the pictures of otherwise his family and desert landscapes, he threw himself across the room (in my mind I see this all in slow motion with him melodramatically yelling, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”) right as I found the pictures he did not want me to see. The girl. The girl in his room wearing his robe. Him at her birthday party, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek. Him kissing the girl under a street light. The girl in, uh, a compromising position. (What I WOULD GIVE for access to this photo now...)

Back to this morning. Curiosity got the better of me upon seeing the name of the childish text harasser and I clicked on her profile. It wasn’t until this morning that I actually put together that she of the threatening text messages and she of the illicit photographs were one and the same. There are pictures of the two of them from the entire summer. There are flirtatious comments back and forth between them from the entire last year.

And, all I feel is stupid, stupid, stupid.

I did not want to find this out. And, I honestly wasn’t looking to improve my career as a cyber sleuth. However, this has inadvertently put the last year of my romantic life under a harsh light of introspection. Lies, almost all of it. In a fit of heart-pounding anger, I emailed him to let him know that I had found this out and that I would henceforth be blocking all communication with him. I hope all the lies he has told keep him warm at night.

Luckily, other than one childish email (which I have to admit made me feel much better), I will not let this ruin my day, my week or my expectations of love. I went on another epic date with my giddy first date of last week and we have plans to go out again soon. I really enjoy spending time with him as the conversation is always quite comfortable. He was even gracious when I kicked his ass in tennis and scrabble.

I am going to try my hardest to not let the circumstances of my past relationship influence the opportunity of the future. I am not going to let the (now justified) paranoia over my last failed love close my heart to something new. And, mostly, I’ll be damned if I let this ruin my day.

In Which I Pray for the Floor to Open Up and Swallow Me

Last night I had a date. A first date. What seemed like approximately the 867th first date I've been on. It's becoming quite the habit.

It was going pretty well, actually. We were having a good time talking, an easy time keeping the conversation going...and then it happened. I, the woman who is not prone to spitting while talking, manages to lob the teeniest bit of saliva DIRECTLY ONTO HIS FOREHEAD.

I was horrified. What should I do? Do I acknowledge it, or pretend I didn't notice? For whatever reason my instincts were screaming "JUST KEEP TALKING!" so I did. He sort of casually wiped it off...and then kept touching the same spot for the next five minutes or so, repeatedly. OH, THE HUMILIATION. And of course all I could think of was this episode of Sex and the City, and how in a later scene poor Miranda is shown reading in bed, hours later, still wiping her face with a tissue over and over. (Warning, link is VERY NSFW)

Luckily he seemed not to really care. If we go out again I'll be trying my best to control my saliva.

I'm actually looking forward to a date

I am openly not a fan of dating. I find it a necessary means to an end. But, friends, remember this guy? I like to call him T&A guy. He never responded to my wink back then. However, while getting acquainted with a new site he winked at me. I would recognize that paragraph anywhere. The first phone call is in the books and I must say: He is very funny and has a great voice. The first date is Sunday. I'm giddy for a few reasons: I haven't had a date since date #2 with the Port Prince; he made me laugh more than once today; and it's the first time in a while that I have been EXCITED about a date. I'm not getting my hopes up...okay fine, I kinda am.