Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Straws and Camels

Last week I made a joke with Mr. Patient about having our "first fight." I was wrong, we are currently having our first fight. The frustrating thing about being upset with someone is that an incident occurs, I think that's why I'm upset with them but then as I'm up all night stewing about it, I realize there is a bigger issue that I'm upset about and that one thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

He didn't want to spend the night last night. He came over at 1 a.m. and didn't want to spend the night. He had to know that I was going to assume he was going to spend the night, but rather than tell me up front he waited until after x-rated activities ended. I hog the covers and he can't sleep, he tells me. Okay, but I thought we were kinda working on a relationship here, so if you can't sleep in the same bed as me, we have a problem. I felt like and still feel like a booty call. I didn't think that's what we are and that certainly is not what I want.

Going back even just four hours, there were definitely things that lead up to me being upset. He has a radio show, I have started to listen to it fairly regularly. During the show last night he casually mentioned having written a poem about waking up next to someone you don't care about. I don't think this poem was written recently, but him saying that is now repeating in my head over and over. Have I mentioned he got here at 1am? Are your friends that important that you can't say "hey, I'm going to leave a little early, I want to get over to her house?" Not to mention that apparently I am not interesting enough to follow on Twitter and one of his best friends treats him like a stand in boyfriend and she probably sees him more than I do....so all of this added together did not make for a happy moment when he said "You're going to hate me, but I can't sleep here." To add fuel to the fire, I signed on to the dating website where we met this morning to see if he's been going on lately (stupid, I know). Sure enough, he signed on this morning. Meanwhile, he knows I'm pissed and I won't hear from him because he has a busy day planned.

So what do I make of all of this? It's hard to say. I like him. But it's only been three months. Part of me says, three months is long enough to at least feel like a priority. Maybe I'm wrong. This, right now, is not generally how I feel about him. I think he is amazing and I genuinely am developing feelings for him. I've told him this. A few weeks ago I was having an insecure moment and he asked me what I wanted. I told him. I asked him what he wanted...he never said. I realized this morning that I have no idea what he wants. I was assuming we wanted the same thing. I would think that when I answered the question, if we were way off that he would've said something. Now I'm not so sure and I need to hear him actually tell me what he wants.

There are two things he has repeatedly said: He's busy; and He doesn't get attached as easily because of past situations. Here's the problem: There is a difference between making time for someone and fitting someone in. Right now I'm being "fit-in." I don't like it. Him not getting attached pushes all of my trust issue buttons. The more "unattached" he gets the more I get freaked out about what else is going on. I understand the fear involved in getting hurt and taking risks again, I feel the same way. But at some point you need to push the fear aside, if a relationship is what you really want. What I'm left wondering is this: Does he really want a relationship? Maybe I'm not enough to get him to take the risk?

Slumber Party!

Mr. Patient (formerly T&A guy) and I have had our first sleep over. We have been having sex for a while, but our schedules, geography and modes of commuting just have not allowed it to happen prior to now. We spent a whopping 20 hours together and I didn't get annoyed.

I realize it isn't the sleeping part that is difficult it's the other 12 hours. We went shopping together, made dinner together and baked together. It was so easy. The biggest issue was him already picking up on my OCD-tendencies and need for order. He was purposely messing up displays in stores, just to watch me put them back together (and watch my "cut the shit" look). If that's the worst thing that could happen, I'll take it. For the sake of good blog material, I wish it was a bit more exciting, but it wasn't...All is still well in NoBridget's world

xx NB

Baby Steps

Well T&A guy, who will be now dubbed Mr. Patient, had an interesting conversation last night. There are few things I know for sure, one of them is: Once two people have sex, there is a period of time that is all they talk about/think about: When can we? How can we? How many times can we? I wonder if s/he likes _______?

I happen to think this is normal. Sex brings up all sorts of stuff for people and let's be honest-if you have healthy ideas about sex and/or a healthy relationship with sex, you enjoy it, you want to have it. So, when there is someone you can have it with, all the better! You want to explore and get to know that person on a different level and have a pleasurable experience.

But as has already been established, I am a shade crazy. It actually wasn't that bad this time, I promise. But I did cringe, a bit. Back story: I'm out of town for work, so we've been texting/IMing a lot this week. We were IMing and being flirty (healthy new relationship stuff, right?) and all of a sudden, I got really concerned that we were becoming just "f*** buddies."

Oh dear readers, I'll answer that question in your head: No, he had not done anything to make me think that, other than talk about what he wanted to do the next time we see each other. If there was anything I learned from our last go-round with my particular brand of crazy it's that he is willing to deal with it. So I asked: I'm not trying to have the "talk" but I just want to make sure my head is in the right place. We aren't "just f****ing" are we? He didn't miss a beat: Totally okay to ask that. I didn't think we were, did you?

Good news: Mr. Patient and I have taken a baby step. Bad news: I'm still freakin' crazy!

xxNB