Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Hard to Read?

Good news: I'm back from my first date with the T&A guy. I actually really enjoyed myself. I like him. I like him not only because he's a T&A guy, but because he's funny, laid back and talks A LOT (I don't talk a lot, it makes for good balance and no awkward silences).

Bad news: Two things, actually...I still hate dating. I prefer the comfort of a relationship. I know this is partly my fault. I would rather go on 100 job interviews vs. one first date. I know I'm good at my job and I can "sell" myself as an employee. However, I have such a hard time selling myself as a person/mate. So silly, I know. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but my head takes over, then the stomach follows suit and I make myself crazy. Typically, once I get there and the date begins, I'm fine...it's the build up and the thoughts after that make me feel like I'm in high school again.

The other bit of bad news, which is kind of good news insight-wise-he was hard to read. That is feedback that I get, a lot. I now get it and I am a bit more understanding of how frustrating that is. I honestly have no idea if he enjoyed himself. I could not read him at all. I mean, he was pleasant, laughed, talked, asked questions...but as far as weather or not he wants to see me again-I have no clue. Usually I have a pretty good idea. I'm trying not to over-analyze too much. Time to go meditate...