On the Importance of Knowing One's Audience

Over the past couple of weeks I'd been chatting with a guy I met on the lovely internets. It all seemed pretty cool at first- we had some nice conversations and we had a lot in common. I was happy to accept when he asked me out.

We were discussing where and when to meet up, and he asked if I'd prefer to go home after work before meeting him or not. I said I would so I could drop my stuff off and what have you, and he says, "Yeah, plus you have to look pretty for me."

*blink, blink* Excuse me?

I laughed, because I couldn't think what else to say. And I thought, hey, I'll let that slide, because he was just trying to be funny. And I tried not to think about the guy from last year who told me that 15 minutes late was 5 minutes early for me since I was a girl, and how I laughed that off and he turned out to be a jerk. Because sometimes it's just a joke, right?

Well, right. But after that came another sexist joke, followed by a racist joke, followed by me saying hey, it's been real, but you have made me feel rather uncomfortable a few times now, so I think maybe we shouldn't hang out again. And that was that.

I've run into this sort of thing a few times- where I'll meet a guy and in the first few conversations/dates he'll let fly a comment (or several comments) that are anywhere from "Gee, I could take that a number of different ways and some of those ways are offensive" to "Holy crap, WHO SAYS THAT?" While sometimes it's that the guy truly is just kind of a jerk, sometimes I think it's a case of them not realizing that when you don't know your audience, there are just some things you don't say.

It goes without saying that anything racist, bigoted, sexist, or generally just fricking mean is pretty much never OK (for example, the infamous Crazy Starbucks Guy, who told me about how all women of a certain age are "Hos" on our first date). But some things can be funny once you're more familiar with a person and you know their sense of humor. I think in dating, and in any new relationship, it's important not to assume familiarity and comfort. Not that you need to be some fake version of yourself or flat-out lie to be agreeable- but it's a good idea to think before you speak.

And here I thought incoherent ramblings and inflated egos were bad...

...but this, my friends, THIS is far worse.

The good people at Jezebel have shared this story of "Alice" and her recent encounter with a male suitor on a dating website. To call his comments "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

What It's Like Out There

This post is dedicated to all of those folks who have said:

"You must hear from at least SOME nice guys."
"I bet the problem is that you're being too picky."
"You're so (smart, funny, attractive, etc.), you shouldn't have a problem."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the highlights from my online dating universe, circa yesterday.

Bachelor #1 would like to help me avoid looking like I have a case of The Gay:
"I'm XXXX, What can I say to you in an email that some guy hasn't already said. How can I stand out from all the other yahoos (guys) on this site. Yeah I called them yahoos, I checked out some of the guys profiles, later found that to be a mistake because I showed up in there who viewed me. Lucky none of them felt compelled to contact me. It would have been awkward. About me, sense of humor, check. I can laugh at my self. Love to cook more than being cooked for. I have a curios nature and am always trying to learn and figure things out. I have a great family and many of my friends agree. I have great friends, don't take my word for it, ask them they will tell you they are great friends. Okay, this is starting to feel like a resume, that what my profile is for. So I leave you with this advice, don't check out profiles of the same sex unless that is something that you are into."

Bachelor #2 would like me to recognize his 40 years of experience.

"Hi beaty I have 40, I would like to meet you before get41. You are so BEATIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bachelor #3...well, I can't tell you much about him except that he checks me out three or four times a day, and also checks out my roommate's profile- which we figured out has photos of me as well.

So yeah, I guess I'm picky, because this kind of stuff isn't doing it for me.

This is what an omnivore looks like.

Largely uninspired by the world of dating, I am fairly certain I just keep my online profile so I can pick fights with people. Some email smack-down always puts me in a good mood.

Message #1:

(Quotes section of my profile in which I mention that though I live in the land of the vegan, thrift store furniture re-purposing, quinoa-eating home-brewer, I am largely unapologetic for my love of steak.)

maybe you should have moved somewhere else if you feel the need to scoff at your neighbors.

Peruse said sender's profile. He mentions quite proudly that though he is a vegetarian, he would never presume to judge others. Is that so?

Response:

Maybe my neighbors should learn to be a tad less judgmental concerning anyone who is an omnivore. Preaching any lifestyle is unattractive, regardless of dogma.

Those be fightin' words apparently....

Message #2: well, your comment sounds reactionary and obnoxious, so you're not making more friends with it on your profile.

Oh, I'm going to show you reactionary and obnoxious....

Response: Oh! I'm shocked! I'm here to make friends with everyone!!!!! I want them all the hold my hand and sing me soft, soft indie songs about friendship and unicorns. Perhaps my new friends will even take me out for some buffalo tempeh (one of my favorite things to eat) and they will not judge me for my occasional foray into the world of red meat! Golly, that would be so nice!

Instead, I have judgmental vegetarians emailing me to tell me I'm obnoxious. You picked this fight. Even after I state that I will not be apologizing. For steak, for my opinions, for my reactionary statements, for my hatred of Dan Brown's terrible prose.

Move along, sir. There is nothing for you here.

Dating website then matches us up again, commenting that it thinks with both like bowling.

Sigh.