Max Ehrmann Didn't Intend to Write Pickup Lines

Some guy sent me the entire text of the Desiderata on Ye Olde Dating Wesbite. That was it. Nothing else.

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, exactly?

Radar

What's that? I sense a newly single sure-thing!

How do men know?

It will be months without any communication. No texting. No emailing. No late night phone calls. No hand-written love letters. (Ha, that was a joke!) Nothing!

During those said months I will become interested in someone else. This generally goes poorly and a few months later I am again single. Queue the blast from the past.

Text: "Hey there....Just wanted to say hi and see what's new?" 
Possible Translation:  So, like you, I have been dating someone for the last couple months. Man, the sex was great! But, she wanted more than I am able to provide emotionally and now she won't return my calls. If you don't still hate me, would you be game for a commitments-free roll in the hay?
 

Email: "I just had a crazy dream about you (nothing bad, I swear) and I can't stop thinking about it. It would be great to hear from you!"
Possible Translation:  You know that thing you used to do? Yeah, I think about it all the time. And, I really, really tried to get my newest lady friend to do it...But, it just wasn't the same. Fancy a trip down memory lane? Are you still that flexible...I mean, when are you perhaps available?

Voice message: "Hey! It's me. I didn't expect you to answer, but I hope everything is going well for you. Just calling to see how you're doing and all. Uh, give me a call back! Yeah...if you want. I hope everything is great! So, call me! Or...you know...(mumble) Yeah." 
Possible Translation:  My, it is so, so lonely in my bed. I occasionally take out that shirt you left behind that still smells like you. I may wear it around my apartment sometimes. I kept your toothbrush just in case. I think the cat is judging me.

So, do men come with built in radar that alerts them every time any of their exes suddenly become available? Is this a learned skill? HOW DO THEY KNOW? Because, wow, they certainly always seem to know in my life. As soon as one relationship gets booed off stage, there is always an ex tap dancing in the wings ready to give an encore performance.

Why do you contact your exes? What do your exes want when they contact you?

The Queen of Spades

Baggage Magnet

Attention, Men of the World!

Are you carrying around so much emotional baggage, you'd get charged hundreds in fees by any airline? Do you have a hunchback from the sheer weight of all of the burden you're toting? For bonus points, do you have some kind of issues with your mother, or maybe a substance abuse problem?

If that sounds like you, try dating ME! Seriously! Lots of others like you have done so in the past and been quite happy about it, at least for a little while. The results are best if you 1) Keep your issues a secret or 2) Totally downplay their severity. Because once I realize the codependent mess we're about to be in, I'll probably wise up. But who knows, you might get lucky.

The universe, while spending lots of time sending the Queen some seriously effed-up e-mails, has also been working really hard to send me emotionally unavailable people. Several. In a row. And one question I have is: if you're in no shape to date, why are you on a dating website?

Fair question, I think.

The Week of Weird Emails

I met a boy. We went out. We had a great time. Weeks later, boy says he wants to see as many people as possible while continuing to see me. I say good-bye to boy. 

So, in the week since I have been back to the online dating thing, I have gotten some truly deranged emails. 

Email 1: YOU ARE SCARY!

“So I will tell you I was very intimidated by you and I did not message you several times because of how intimidating you are. Not because you are stunningly beautiful though. (Proceeds to list 10 reasons why I am so awesome.) As far as I can tell you are one of the most awesome people I have had the chance to contact and that in itself is a frightening prospect. I really really REALLY hope you'll get back to me.”

I imagine I will get an email from these two next.

Email 2: YOU ARE TALL! AND, SO AM I! I SWEAR!

“Sorry i was short yesterday it is that i have been on this site for over a year and still havent met anyone.....maybe i am lame? but i think we have a lot in common and i might let u win at ski ball.....i also eat provocatively…Maybe you would like to meet.”

Email 3: YOU ARE FAKE!

“You look very good, no dispute. But I think all of your smiles are, actually, posing/smirking. Is there a photo of you with a real smile? Would love to see - I'm sure it will make you look much more warm. Btw, I happen to like Cohen's brothers films, too.”

(Please note my profile includes a candid photo of me laughing. Apparently that is not enough for him. I am not WARM enough.)

Email 4: YOU LOST MY INTEREST BEFORE! BUT, NOW I’M SINGLE AGAIN!

(months later) “Hey there... it seems I dropped the ball on our previous correspondence. Hope you didn't take it personally. Anything new and different with you?”

Email 5, 6, 7: YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

In summary… “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?! You are so damn gorgeous and witty. Get a man already, sheesh! Make someone a lucky guy. Come on!”

Email 8: YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME! AND, I AM AWESOME!!!!

“Wow, you're a beautiful female version of myself: tattoos, opera (Wagner or Verdi....important question????), Rilke, my dream poet, and I'm willing to guess you read some Borges here and there. And we're both really really good looking. Mirror!”

Meanwhile, a man from Florida who is ORANGE like an Oompa Loompa, will not leave me alone.

Time to lay off the self-tanner, guys...

Sample Oompa Loompa Email:

“ITS ME MIKE

Wow..You have beautiful skin.
You are such a breath of fresh air you
You are too cute to be in that city.
Kisses”

 

Uh, what the hell?

I do fully admit the majority of the mail I get is pretty decent. However, this week has been just rife with strange, strange emails. Is it the weather?  The moon? ME? WTF? 

The Queen of Spades

Appropriations

Recently the Queen and I enjoyed a night on the town with my good friend T and his fairly-new girlfriend A. I've met A before and I think she's really cool. But what I hadn't notcied before were some subtle changes in T's wardrobe that were very clearly her influence- and frankly, the fact that we met them at a tiny bar to watch an unknown band is also very NOT T.

It got me thinking about when people get into relationships and they appropriate things from the other person- habits, lifestyles, wardrobe, preferences in music and TV and movies. I had a friend who, when she started dating her last boyfriend, suddenly loved punk bands and became a vegetarian. Neither of these were harmful to her, but I thought it was odd for her to make a change like giving up meat just because her boyfriend did.

I thought about myself and what I may have appropriated from people I've dated. Some things were only for the duration of the relationship, while others were things that I truly grew to like on my own (hello, Top Chef!).

What do you think, readers? What things have you picked up, or have people picked up from you? Have you ever made a drastic change because it made you match a partner's preferences? Have you ever been concerned when you've seen a friend do the same?