A Dating Action Plan

Day 1: Ponder the last month’s inactivity in the romantic arena. Reflect on choices made and how those have come to leave one alone on a Saturday night eating Weight Watcher’s desserts and watching the sanitized version of Sex and the City on basic cable.

Day 2: In flurry of activity, rewrite on-line profile. Include works like “daring,” “adventurous,” “friends,” “dancing,” and “bacon.” Pause to reflect on this fabulous woman on the page. My, she is a fearsome, generic creature. Realize said woman really has nothing to do with beer-drinking, zombie-loving, classical-musical-loving, plan-making nerd of reality. Rewrite profile again with a decidedly angry feminist slant. Leave in “bacon.”

Day 3: Inbox full. Full of messages from 22 year old music students who love zombie movies, vegans admonishing love of bacon, 40 year old professors wanting to discuss Nabokov, and one fellow who while starting out with a discussion of Bach’s Brandenburg concertos takes a decidedly darker turn with talk of BSDM. Overwhelming response queues inability to formulate any response. Log off.

Day 4: Fearful of checking email and yet compelled to see what will grace inbox next. Today’s emails include a recipe for a sunchoke grilled cheese sandwich and a zombie movie recommendation. Realize though exceedingly picky, as of yet unwilling to compromise for sake of dating. Change profile picture to what could only be described as a true visage of “bitch face.” Might as well go for broke.

Day 5: Buy fancy underwear. You never know.

Day 6: Frolic down memory lane to land square in the middle of ex-sex land. No fancy underwear. That privilege is gone.

Day 7: Beat roommate’s ass at Tekken. Make pizza from scratch. Decorate new back porch. Completely forget singleness and sad-sack Saturday night.

Day 8: Slight senses of guilt for letting messages languish in inbox. (No guilt felt for ex.) Start conversation with peppy, slightly deranged man in passing. Entertained.

Day 9: Ex goes out of way to be nice. It is a trap. Bickering ensues. Timely reminder of why ex is ex.

Day 10: Hesitant to go on date with peppy, slightly deranged man. Less about him than possibility of being tortured by another terrible date. (See Red Flags.) Look forlornly at fancy underwear. What the hell. Make plans to tourist watch together on Saturday.

Day 11: Eat Cheez-Its while slurping down soy Frappaccino. Dichotomies abound in life. Instead of devising a new dating action plan, decide that it's okay in continuing on in the same vain as day 1 through 10. Date may be exceedingly fun or extraordinarily lame. In the meantime, will wear racy underwear every day. You know, just in case.

P.S. How hysterical is that book cover? I would have entitled it “When Good Clams Go Bad: How a Stock Photo of a Lovingly Embracing Couple About to Be Eaten by a Clam Makes Single Girls Appreciate Their Lives More.”

On Being a Gal Who Can't Back Down from the Triple-Dog-Dare

This past Monday, the season finale of How I Met Your Mother aired. While it had about nothing to do with the actual plot, there was one scene I found very telling- when Lily, Marshall, and Robin have a telepathic conversation in the bar about convincing Ted that dyeing his hair blond is a good idea. As Marshall says:

"The best way to get Ted to do something is to tell him he shouldn't do it."

So of course they all tell him it would look bad, which prompts Ted to go ahead and do it. And naturally he looks ridiculous, prompting Marshall to utter the incredible line: "What is Ellen DeGeneres doing in our bedroom?!"

But anyway.

It occurred to me that I resemble that remark, a LOT, especially when it comes to guys. A surefire way to get me to chase after you is to verbally declare the futility of my advances. It's like throwing your glove on the table and challenging me to a sword fight.

Yes, I understand how lame that sounds. Just go with it.

Seriously, this one time, about four years ago, a guy I'd hooked up with previously told me that I probably THOUGHT he was going home with me, but that he wouldn't do so even if I asked. Naturally there was booze involved and he was kidding, but that statement drove tipsy me to grab him by his belt loops and say, "Oh, you THINK so?" Or something to that effect.

Now, I'll tell you a little story that will illustrate my latest foray into doing something just because I was told I couldn't. It's a classic tale, really.

Boy meets girl in graduate school. They discover that they grew up about twenty minutes from one another, and that boy's mother was actually one of girl's teachers in sixth grade (and it goes without saying that she remembers girl as a very sweet child, OF COURSE). They graduate and don't see one another really, except at the occasional work-sponsored boozefest professional conference.

Many moons later, boy and girl run into one another again and it turns out they live and work within blocks of one another. So occasionally they hang out. And of course this one time things get kind of interesting- but are forestalled by the boy's assertion that while girl is attractive and all, he just doesn't see himself being interested in her like that. Ever.

And then there was last week. When things got interesting again. But this time they got REALLY interesting.

And I'll admit it, I knew it probably wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had. But I wanted to be RIGHT, damnit. Because I LOVE BEING RIGHT. Love it. Especially when I get to be right in the, "I told you so. You cannot possibly resist me, buddy," kind of way. Hearing him admit he'd been thinking about this very situation for a while felt all kinds of vindicating.

But the problem is that I didn't just get to be right. I mean, I did for a few days, and then all this other stuff started creeping into my head. Like maybe it wasn't about being right. And maybe it actually was pretty great and fun. And maybe I wish it meant something different than what it actually means.

I'm not sorry for the decision I made...I just wish the consequences weren't so confusing.

Single

Ladies and gentlemen, I am single. And I am shocked at the way the whole thing went down. First he tells me he's upset about me getting so upset about him not spending the night and, and me over-reacting. I felt AWFUL, just awful that something that I said could hurt someone. It is never my intention to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about.

Then he tells me he just doesn't think he can make me happy. But I WAS happy. I explained what I want and what I need.

Finally, he gets to the real issue. He wasn't happy. Hasn't been for a while. He was waiting to be sure and for the right time to tell me. Say what? So here I have been talking about about how happy I am. How much I like him. How compatible I thought we were. How I thought we were in a good place. He let me think we were okay. And now to hear him say that he doesn't even like spending time with me and hasn't for a while. So of course I say well if things were okay at some point, I think it's worthwhile to at least try, you are worth at least that to me. Complete and total silence. I am not even worth the words. I'm not worth the words to try to work it out, apparently I wasn't even worth the words it would've taken to talk to me when he first started feeling that way. He didn't even care enough about me to TRY.

Who does that? Who makes someone feel worthless without batting an eyelash? How does someone spend months with someone else and just quit because they just ain't feeling it? How can let someone think you care about them and then turn around and not care enough to try? I am not worthless. I do NOT quit on the people that I care about.

Then he asked me if I was going to be okay. Again: Say what? Who exactly do you think you are that I cannot get over you and move on and be perfectly okay? Yes, I am going to be just fine. With or without you. While I thought I preferred with, you leave me no choice but to go without.

I do admit that I felt uneasy a few times about things. I chalked it up to my trust issues and tried to be up front with him about it. He didn't say anything other than "of course I like you, I wouldn't make time for you if I didn't" and my personal favorite "We all have baggage, I understand. We are not always going to be on the same page. We either work through it or agree to disagree." Not one word about ending things, ever. I really need to start trusting my intuition more.

Straws and Camels

Last week I made a joke with Mr. Patient about having our "first fight." I was wrong, we are currently having our first fight. The frustrating thing about being upset with someone is that an incident occurs, I think that's why I'm upset with them but then as I'm up all night stewing about it, I realize there is a bigger issue that I'm upset about and that one thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

He didn't want to spend the night last night. He came over at 1 a.m. and didn't want to spend the night. He had to know that I was going to assume he was going to spend the night, but rather than tell me up front he waited until after x-rated activities ended. I hog the covers and he can't sleep, he tells me. Okay, but I thought we were kinda working on a relationship here, so if you can't sleep in the same bed as me, we have a problem. I felt like and still feel like a booty call. I didn't think that's what we are and that certainly is not what I want.

Going back even just four hours, there were definitely things that lead up to me being upset. He has a radio show, I have started to listen to it fairly regularly. During the show last night he casually mentioned having written a poem about waking up next to someone you don't care about. I don't think this poem was written recently, but him saying that is now repeating in my head over and over. Have I mentioned he got here at 1am? Are your friends that important that you can't say "hey, I'm going to leave a little early, I want to get over to her house?" Not to mention that apparently I am not interesting enough to follow on Twitter and one of his best friends treats him like a stand in boyfriend and she probably sees him more than I do....so all of this added together did not make for a happy moment when he said "You're going to hate me, but I can't sleep here." To add fuel to the fire, I signed on to the dating website where we met this morning to see if he's been going on lately (stupid, I know). Sure enough, he signed on this morning. Meanwhile, he knows I'm pissed and I won't hear from him because he has a busy day planned.

So what do I make of all of this? It's hard to say. I like him. But it's only been three months. Part of me says, three months is long enough to at least feel like a priority. Maybe I'm wrong. This, right now, is not generally how I feel about him. I think he is amazing and I genuinely am developing feelings for him. I've told him this. A few weeks ago I was having an insecure moment and he asked me what I wanted. I told him. I asked him what he wanted...he never said. I realized this morning that I have no idea what he wants. I was assuming we wanted the same thing. I would think that when I answered the question, if we were way off that he would've said something. Now I'm not so sure and I need to hear him actually tell me what he wants.

There are two things he has repeatedly said: He's busy; and He doesn't get attached as easily because of past situations. Here's the problem: There is a difference between making time for someone and fitting someone in. Right now I'm being "fit-in." I don't like it. Him not getting attached pushes all of my trust issue buttons. The more "unattached" he gets the more I get freaked out about what else is going on. I understand the fear involved in getting hurt and taking risks again, I feel the same way. But at some point you need to push the fear aside, if a relationship is what you really want. What I'm left wondering is this: Does he really want a relationship? Maybe I'm not enough to get him to take the risk?

I am SO MUCH CRAZIER than her.

I have this ex-boyfriend. I mean, don't we all? Actually, if I am to be honest, I have several, but I'm speaking specifically about the last person in my life to hold the title.

It's been nearly two years since we broke up (and I was the dumpee and NOT happy about it at the time, but I am happy about it now, boy howdy). We're on OK terms at this point. I wouldn't say we're friends, but we're friendly. We probably talk 2-3 times per year. He will be moving back to the city where I live this summer, so I'm not sure if we may meet up for coffee more than once a year or if proximity will have no effect on that. I honestly wouldn't care much either way right now.

And yet- today I got an e-mail from him. It's literally the first time either of us has contacted each other since Christmastime. He sent me an article he'd found during some lawyerly research he was doing that related to a place I used to work, which was nice of him. So I replied and at the end I asked if he'd started looking for an apartment here yet.

And right after I hit send, I was immediately hit with a moment of fear- What if he replies with, "Actually my girlfriend and I found a great place..."

This is quite dumb for several reasons.

1. I do not want to date him again, ever.
2. Wouldn't it be nice for him if he has a new girlfriend? I mean, a nice person would be happy for him.
3. If he has a new girlfriend before I have a new boyfriend, it does not mean he wins, nor does it mean that I am inferior in any way.

It's number three that is hardest to remember, and that is the reason for my fear. Because while rationally I know it's true, but I am slightly crazy. Or maybe very crazy. You know? It would still make me feel bad, if only for a short while. And I'd have to think about how I was probably SO MUCH PRETTIER than her. Worthwhile pursuits, all!

He just replied. Didn't mention a girlfriend, either.

Triggers

According to my old text books, emotional triggers are things that remind you of something in the past and you feel the same way you did then. For example, a positive emotional trigger for me…Oreos. My great-grandmother always had them at her house when I was little. She didn’t speak English, we couldn’t have a conversation, but I spent hours in her kitchen eating Oreos and milk. When I see Oreos I think of her and feel loved and happy.

I could easily list a host of positive triggers that remind me of the people I love and who love me. I also have plenty of negative triggers. I avoid a certain Massachusetts town, and major highway for that matter. A lot of my triggers are songs. Every significant person in my life has a song. Sometimes their song changes, depending on how my relationship with them changes. Most songs remind me of someone.

Today, I discovered a new negative trigger that I wasn’t aware of. The Red Sox. Yes, my favorite baseball team, also has potential to make me feel like I got kicked in the stomach, well…maybe it isn’t the Red Sox. The guy that I’ve praising the last few blogs knows someone who has tickets to a Sox game. He asked if I was free, but I have a work thing that I can’t/don’t want to miss. All of a sudden, I got really emotional, felt really insecure and got scared. What? Because I can’t go to a game?! It’s never about the game…

Summer of 2003. My ex and I had been dating for few months. He asked me to go to a Sox game. I couldn’t go. My roommate was free and she ended up going with him. We had all known each other for a while, this was a common occurrence for one or all of us to go to events together. Because they were headed into the city early, I had told him I would stop by his place after my work event to let his dog out.

I got to his house, I walked up the stairs, the dog came running…and so did the ex. Naked. He starts screaming at me What the f*** are you doing here? You are crazy! I could not even find the words to explain that I was there to let the dog out, like we had talked about. I couldn’t talk or move for what seemed like forever (I’m sure it was only five seconds). In those moments I retraced my steps walking in and realized that both his car and my roommate’s car were parked outside. Still without saying a word, I pushed past him and walked into his bedroom. Someone was hiding under the covers. He walked in behind me and said don’t bother hiding, she knows you’re here. She never had the balls to uncover her face. She also never said a single word.

I turned around to leave and he followed after me giving me a “it’s not what you think” speech. In that moment, I finally opened my mouth and everything came rushing out. I don’t remember the words spoken or who said what but I remember what I was feeling. The room was spinning. My head was spinning. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I was panicked and couldn’t think. I thought I was dying. I was hot, literally. I remember him begging me to be quiet and I only got louder. I’m sure what was coming out of my mouth didn’t even make sense. It was like The scene from The Exorcist.

I couldn’t trust what I thought was the purest of relationships (I’m talking about her, not him here). My roommate, my best friend was having sex with my boyfriend, my other best friend and I WALKED IN ON THEM. To this day, I do not know if they even went to the game and/or why they weren’t in Boston. Life as I knew it, changed that day. That is when I started mistrusting not just men, but friends. That’s when I started to question everything. I packed up everything the next day and moved in with my parents. There’s a long story that follows, and I wish I could say I ended it then and there, but I didn’t. Suffice it to say; that was only the beginning.

I have come a long way since then: Older, wiser and stronger. I have also gone to plenty of games since then. I’m choosing to not let all of the emotions triggered control me, it’s not as hard as you would think. It’s funny how the past comes back to remind you where you’ve been.