Straws and Camels

Last week I made a joke with Mr. Patient about having our "first fight." I was wrong, we are currently having our first fight. The frustrating thing about being upset with someone is that an incident occurs, I think that's why I'm upset with them but then as I'm up all night stewing about it, I realize there is a bigger issue that I'm upset about and that one thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

He didn't want to spend the night last night. He came over at 1 a.m. and didn't want to spend the night. He had to know that I was going to assume he was going to spend the night, but rather than tell me up front he waited until after x-rated activities ended. I hog the covers and he can't sleep, he tells me. Okay, but I thought we were kinda working on a relationship here, so if you can't sleep in the same bed as me, we have a problem. I felt like and still feel like a booty call. I didn't think that's what we are and that certainly is not what I want.

Going back even just four hours, there were definitely things that lead up to me being upset. He has a radio show, I have started to listen to it fairly regularly. During the show last night he casually mentioned having written a poem about waking up next to someone you don't care about. I don't think this poem was written recently, but him saying that is now repeating in my head over and over. Have I mentioned he got here at 1am? Are your friends that important that you can't say "hey, I'm going to leave a little early, I want to get over to her house?" Not to mention that apparently I am not interesting enough to follow on Twitter and one of his best friends treats him like a stand in boyfriend and she probably sees him more than I do....so all of this added together did not make for a happy moment when he said "You're going to hate me, but I can't sleep here." To add fuel to the fire, I signed on to the dating website where we met this morning to see if he's been going on lately (stupid, I know). Sure enough, he signed on this morning. Meanwhile, he knows I'm pissed and I won't hear from him because he has a busy day planned.

So what do I make of all of this? It's hard to say. I like him. But it's only been three months. Part of me says, three months is long enough to at least feel like a priority. Maybe I'm wrong. This, right now, is not generally how I feel about him. I think he is amazing and I genuinely am developing feelings for him. I've told him this. A few weeks ago I was having an insecure moment and he asked me what I wanted. I told him. I asked him what he wanted...he never said. I realized this morning that I have no idea what he wants. I was assuming we wanted the same thing. I would think that when I answered the question, if we were way off that he would've said something. Now I'm not so sure and I need to hear him actually tell me what he wants.

There are two things he has repeatedly said: He's busy; and He doesn't get attached as easily because of past situations. Here's the problem: There is a difference between making time for someone and fitting someone in. Right now I'm being "fit-in." I don't like it. Him not getting attached pushes all of my trust issue buttons. The more "unattached" he gets the more I get freaked out about what else is going on. I understand the fear involved in getting hurt and taking risks again, I feel the same way. But at some point you need to push the fear aside, if a relationship is what you really want. What I'm left wondering is this: Does he really want a relationship? Maybe I'm not enough to get him to take the risk?