Recently the Queen and I enjoyed a night on the town with my good friend T and his fairly-new girlfriend A. I've met A before and I think she's really cool. But what I hadn't notcied before were some subtle changes in T's wardrobe that were very clearly her influence- and frankly, the fact that we met them at a tiny bar to watch an unknown band is also very NOT T.
It got me thinking about when people get into relationships and they appropriate things from the other person- habits, lifestyles, wardrobe, preferences in music and TV and movies. I had a friend who, when she started dating her last boyfriend, suddenly loved punk bands and became a vegetarian. Neither of these were harmful to her, but I thought it was odd for her to make a change like giving up meat just because her boyfriend did.
I thought about myself and what I may have appropriated from people I've dated. Some things were only for the duration of the relationship, while others were things that I truly grew to like on my own (hello, Top Chef!).
What do you think, readers? What things have you picked up, or have people picked up from you? Have you ever made a drastic change because it made you match a partner's preferences? Have you ever been concerned when you've seen a friend do the same?
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I have a friend who took up militant veganism, free diving and judo all for one relationship. Between the veggie flatulence, talk of diving belts and new found love of judo competitions, it was hard to maintain her friendship. Luckily, her new hobbies all came to an end when the relationship died.
On the other hand, I think whoever dates me tends to appropriate large portions of my life...Sudden interest in going to concerts, the urge to attend strange music things, interest in street art...etc.
I honestly can't think of many people who have appropriated parts of my life- though a few guys have gained an interest in this band or that one because I introduced them. But no big lifestyle changes. For me- I learned a lot about sports and some of that stuck, but I haven't become quite as rabid a fan as any of the guys ever were. And I appreciate what I learned.
Do you think it happens as often and to the same extent for both men and women?
I'm as independent and confident as they come, but I still pick up habits, likes, interests, etc. from people I date. Even if it's only a short term thing.
I joke with people sometimes about my first girlfriend and how she trained me. She was a defensive shrew (okay that's a little harsh) but I dated her for 3 years (hey I was young) and she definitely gave me some lifelong habits. For example, I never really washed my hands before dating her.
I think it's a related point that boys are generally cavemen to start, and it isn't until they have their first serious relationship that women bring any trace of civilization to them.
Agree? Or do I need to provide evidence to convince you?
Oh, and yes- I still think men are cavemen even later in life; just less so.
I've definitely picked up new interests while dating someone: Pearl Jam, fantasy football, Thai food. I'm pretty sure no lifestyle changes though...unless you count the addition of certain positions into the sexual repertoire.
For Caleb: According to George Gilder, marriage civilizes men.
This got me thinking. To some extent because it's been on my mind recently.
Since the Big D I realized that I have a tendency to go along with certain things because I do like to try new things and I'm fairly open minded. And I try things for a while. I'm not one of those people to try something once and make an immediate decision about it. So if I'm dating a guy that I'm interested in and he's really interested in something else, I'll give it a try and be enthusiastic about it.
However, I can reach a point after going along for a while where I realize that I'm not very interested in a particular activity, or at least not at the same level or intensity that I may have been willing to dedicate to it in the early stages. I know this has thrown guys for a loop. Particularly my ex.
Then thinking about this even more . . .
I don't think I have every really permanently appropriated anything from anyone I've dated. Maybe that says something about me or the relationships I get into. When I look back, it seems weird (and somewhat passive-aggressive) that I haven't adopted any interests or habits from past relationships. In fact, there are certain activities that I didn't do at all during my marriage, but did while we dated and have started again since the divorce. (And I don't mean sex!)
I mean, I dated a Venezuelan for over a year who tried to teach me Spanish and I refused to learn. Yet I have studied French, Latin, German, Italian and pick up key phrases in other languages to use as needed. (Years later I've learned some basic Spanish as well.)
So, I don't really know that I've made any conclusions about my behavior yet, but I have decided the following:
1) I will always try new things and be interested for a while, at least. And I'll never regret that.
2) I'm trying to identify things that are important to me. (I'm specifically thinking of the "How do you like your eggs?" question from The Runaway Bride.)
3) If I can accomplish #2, I hope that I'll be able to better articulate that to future SOs and, therefore, be more candid from the beginning.
Of course, ideally I'd like to find someone who has the same priorities as me in life - once I figure out what those are.
Maybe I'll know it's the right person when I am willing/able to appropriate some of their behaviors and/or activities and they stick. Or maybe when we both realize we don't need to do that . . .
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