I met a boy. We went out. We had a great time. Weeks later, boy says he wants to see as many people as possible while continuing to see me. I say good-bye to boy.
So, in the week since I have been back to the online dating thing, I have gotten some truly deranged emails.
Email 1: YOU ARE SCARY!
“So I will tell you I was very intimidated by you and I did not message you several times because of how intimidating you are. Not because you are stunningly beautiful though. (Proceeds to list 10 reasons why I am so awesome.) As far as I can tell you are one of the most awesome people I have had the chance to contact and that in itself is a frightening prospect. I really really REALLY hope you'll get back to me.”
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| I imagine I will get an email from these two next. |
Email 2: YOU ARE TALL! AND, SO AM I! I SWEAR!
“Sorry i was short yesterday it is that i have been on this site for over a year and still havent met anyone.....maybe i am lame? but i think we have a lot in common and i might let u win at ski ball.....i also eat provocatively…Maybe you would like to meet.”
Email 3: YOU ARE FAKE!
“You look very good, no dispute. But I think all of your smiles are, actually, posing/smirking. Is there a photo of you with a real smile? Would love to see - I'm sure it will make you look much more warm. Btw, I happen to like Cohen's brothers films, too.”
(Please note my profile includes a candid photo of me laughing. Apparently that is not enough for him. I am not WARM enough.)
Email 4: YOU LOST MY INTEREST BEFORE! BUT, NOW I’M SINGLE AGAIN!
(months later) “Hey there... it seems I dropped the ball on our previous correspondence. Hope you didn't take it personally. Anything new and different with you?”
Email 5, 6, 7: YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!
In summary… “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?! You are so damn gorgeous and witty. Get a man already, sheesh! Make someone a lucky guy. Come on!”
Email 8: YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME! AND, I AM AWESOME!!!!
“Wow, you're a beautiful female version of myself: tattoos, opera (Wagner or Verdi....important question????), Rilke, my dream poet, and I'm willing to guess you read some Borges here and there. And we're both really really good looking. Mirror!”
Meanwhile, a man from Florida who is ORANGE like an Oompa Loompa, will not leave me alone.
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| Time to lay off the self-tanner, guys... |
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3 comments:
The images accompanying this entry are terrifying. Like, possibly more terrifying than the e-mails.
Wow. Apparently my work teaching man-courses hasn't affected your area yet. I'll work on that.
On a positive note, my best friend recently found- online- the man of her dreams and she's sickeningly happy. So keep on keepin' on.
Today's winning email...
"I just want to say hi and i was wondering if i can worship your feet I can be a good slave for a few hours. I live in Boston. I can do free foot massage too."
Sigh.
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