Message 1: Hey baby! I’m like milk. I do a body good.
(No response. Look at profile)
Asshole’s Self Summary:
“It really smells like sausage in here. If you're fat and/or ugly, YAY for you. welcome to this FRAT party bitches. you probably have a false sense of ego/self-esteem, but you wonder why guys leave right after they fuck you slut, make sure to get herpes on this website ;) I mean there are like 10 sausages for every pair of buns...makes me sick”
(What the...? Is this real? Then I promptly receive an IM from said Asshole)
Asshole: Uhh, don’t read that…you should stalk me on facebook sometime if you desire :) I think that someone hacked my profile :(
Me (because I think everyone needs a living/learning lesson sometime): Then why don't you change it? Also, I was just stalking you because I was AMAZED at the level of douchiness one paragraph could contain.
Asshole: lmao, thanks hun :) I appreciate it lmao You like a good girl; What are you doing w/ your life?
(After looking as his Facebook profile as he suggested. His profile included such gems as “To all you sluts….keep dreamin’!”and “So let's get it over and just get naked, I wanna give everything I got.”)
(WTF?)
Me (after reading his bio): “Seductively handsome,” huh?
Asshole: Damn right.
Me: AND “livin’ the dream?” Wow, making sure you live out those clichés to the fullest, huh?
Asshole: Uhhh, kinda. LOL. You’re ripping me apart. I like it. So when are you going to call me?
Me: Hmm, never. I do not associate with men who refer to women as "sluts."
Asshole: I'm really a nice guy
Me: I also do not associate with men who definitely got the short stick when it came to intelligence. And, sweetie, "nice guys" do not call women "sluts."
Asshole: 7” is not short...
Me: Yes, but I can buy 7" of battery operated fun. The best part? It's not attached to an asshole.
Asshole: Haha, nice. So what's your number?
Asshole: Call me.
Me: So, really, does this ever work for you?
(Peruse his Facebook profile out of curiosity. Find he has posted tons of pictures of naked girls who obviously did not know their picture has been taken or had sent him pictures privately. Also found several photos of, uh, crotch shots. Status updates included things such as Asshole “hates this Fat bitch so bad he hopes she gets stuffed with black dicks (not small ones) until she explodes like a piñata and children collect the blubber.")
(QUEUE HORRIFIED LOOK ON FACE. Oh. My. God. I didn’t think people like this really existed.)
Asshole: Only w/ you ;) So call me.
Me: You are officially blocked from this point on…I reported your photos on Facebook as porn. I have also reported you on this site. Even if this is some elaborate joke, you are sick.
Asshole: get a life ;)
Me: Get a clue.
Posts
3 comments:
Stuff like this is what scares me away from match.com. I assume that's where you experienced all this. And men like that make me glad to be single.
It was actually OkStupid. Which, I have to admit, I have had quite some success with lately...Shockingly so, actually.
That, uh, may have been my brother.
Okay, he's not that bad.
What scares me is the fact that you KNOW that guys like this eventually do get laid.
What makes a girl lower her bar like that? I mean, I say demeaning comments (lots) sometimes but I'm obviously joking and redeem myself through an occasional altruistic act, but these guys...
Glad you didn't call.
Were you tempted though? Even a little?
;)
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