This Is What A Feminist Looks Like

I'm a mean, mean feminist bitch. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Email: "Quick! Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. What's it say?"

With no intent of replying, I casually look at his profile. He lists The Bro Code and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell as his two favorite books of all time. Do men even READ my profile?

I look to my left to find the nearest book.

Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape happens to be sitting at my right elbow. This opportunity is too good to pass up.

Queen of Spades: It says..."And the traditional gender roles so exalted by conservative groups---roles that envision women as passive receptacles and men as aggressive deviants---further excuse and endorse sexual assault." You sure you want to play this game being as you list The Bro Code and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell as your favorite books?

Douchasaurus: You assume I only read stuff like that ha, they are amazing books. That doesn't mean I don't read other, more sophisticated ones.

Queen of Spades: The fact that you call them "amazing" does not give you much credibility. Listing misogynist fiction which loosely masquerades as entertainment for masses insecure men, in fact, mostly bespeaks quite poorly of you. I said that I liked literature and education in my profile. I did not say that I enjoyed self-indulgent man-children with a need to degrade women.

Douchasaurus: Amazing meaning entertaining. But the fact that you chose to come back with such hostility doesn't seem to bode to well for you either. Enjoy your "literature."

Queen of Spades: Actually, "amazing" means causing great surprise or sudden wonder. I'd suggest turning those books in for a good, old-fashioned dictionary. Hugs and kisses!

As an aside, my date last week took a distinct nose-dive when my date remarked on how much he liked my bow. I think I stared at him in complete bewilderment for several minutes. Then he leered at me, closer and closer, until his eyes fixed upon my cleavage for an uncomfortably long pause.

"Your...bow," he said.

Yes, that's right, the bow in the middle of my bra. How charming.

Then receiving the bill for dinner, he pulls out a $20. (His entree alone was $26.) Awkward pause.

"Uh, sorry, I only have enough to cover my own meal, " I say while making sure my shirt is appropriately covering my cleavage.

"Oh." Grumble. Shuffle through wallet. Pulls out a few more dollars. "Fine. You can take me out for a drink next time." Leaves no tip for the waitress. Shameful.

He wants to go out again. I told him my bow has high standards and unfortunately it is only attracted to generous tippers and men who do not inappropriately leer. My bow has discerning tastes. And, it's not going to take any of your shit.

If you loved me you would

I love my friends. I love them and they love me, but sometimes I wish they would focus on their own lives and not everyone else's, or at least not mine. I've been telling people the former boy and I have been talking again. It's been a little jarring when I get: "F him! You better not get back together with him!" I realize the people who say this truly care about me and do not want me to get hurt. I also realize that we did not end things well. The dramatic way it ended is in this blog for the world to see. Believe me, I have not forgotten.

However, when the hell did I say I was going to get back together with him? Would I hear him out? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I believe that people can make things work the 2nd time around? Yes. Am I going to drive to his house tonight and tell him how sorry I am and jump in the sack? HELL NO. Frankly, the assumption that I would is insulting.

Here is a snippet from a recent conversation:

Me: I heard from XXX btw.

Friend: WTF. Fuck him. Did you tell him to fuck off?

Me: Ummm, no. I was civil.

Friend: You better not take him back!

Me: Ummm, what? That didn't come up.

Friend: Well would you, cause I would be disappointed if you did.

Me: Ummm, I would be open to hearing what he had to say about it, but I certainly am not going go back to something if it's still the same way it was.

Friend: I realize you didn't ask for the advice, but...

Me: Please don't lecture me

Friend: (insert 5 minute monologue here about what an ass he is and how great I am except for the part where I'm a stupid bitch if I take him back)

Me: I appreciate your concern, but I can make my own decisions and I would think you would support me regardless.

Friend: Well, I would. I just think it's the wrong decision to make.

Me: Yeah, that just doesn't sound very supportive to me.

Friend: Well wtf, he was a jerk.

Me: (I have completely shut down at this point and am just mumbling shit like "well we'll see", "whatever", "uhhuh")

This friend has called me every day since just to "check on me." *sigh* To be fair, most of my friends have had nothing to say about it other than Oh? What's up with that?

And then we have the conversation with my mother about it:

Mom: Well, would you dump his ass if nothing has changed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Is he good in bed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Then what the hell do you care what your friends think? It's your life.

I heart my Mom.

Dear Universe,

Sometimes I ask the universe for favors. And, frighteningly, sometimes the universe responds.

I’ve had too many coincidences in my life to believe anything else. A year ago, I was entirely conflicted how I felt about an ex and my then current boyfriend, My Favorite Mistake. I asked for a sign to figure out what to do about my ex. He called me that night for the first time in months to tell me he had proposed to his new girlfriend of two months. That was certainly an answer.

My Favorite Mistake is still very much present in my life and I unfortunately gravitate toward him in times of boredom, loneliness, happiness, hell, really anything. But, the fact remains, we cannot be together and we have too much history to pretend we can just be casual friends.

Meanwhile, I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot go on any more boring dates. I have finally figured out I am looking for an unconventional, eccentric counterpart while also realizing that I simply cannot make polite, generic conversation anymore. I do understand that I am somewhat of an eclectic crackpot, but I have been exceedingly uninterested by my prospects. I have not been excited about anyone in such a long time; I can’t even remember why I want to fall in love again.

So, I asked for a new distraction. My list of desired attributes a-went a-somethin’ like this: Well-traveled with an interesting cultural background, multilingual, successful, intelligent, deranged sense of humor, well-read, intellectually curious, love of board games...and, you know, attractive.

And, hot damn, the universe delivered!

So, the dating hiatus is over.


This message has been approved by 4 out of 5 Ms. Universe contestants. I don't know about you, but I think Ms. USA looks like an Queen-of-Spades-hating, love-bashing lady. That, or she really just doesn't approve of Miss Japan's dress.

Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."