Why do men think I'm a dominatrix?

I do love Betty Page...

"How are you doing? My name is *****, and I am writing you because I would like to find someone who might have some interest in having a servant. I am interested in pursuing this arrangement on a long term 2 or 3 time a week basis, and I promise that you will not regret it if you give me a chance.

I am honestly looking for a someone like yourself who might be interested in having someone like me who would like nothing more than to cook, clean, do dishes, laundry, chores, run errands, or even give manicures and pedicures. I am pretty handy to have around the house, I can fix things pretty well and am not bad at organization either.

This is not about sex in any way, and I have had this arrangement in the past and I feel like it has worked out pretty well for those who have been willing to take advantage of it. And just to stress this... This is completely legit and I am 100% serious. I could be extremely useful to you if you were just willing to consider it.

Please think about it, and please know that just being able to talk to you would be a privilege in my book."

My first thought was, "That would be so useful!"

My second thought, "Ah, he can write in full sentences!"

Which was then followed by..."Why do I keep getting messages like this?!"

Perhaps I should pursue a new career plan?

Fellow bloggers, you know me...What's the deal? 

Lacking in Comprehesion

"FUCK YOU. Do not call me again." 

What part of that above sentence says to you..."You know, I bet she'd really like to go out again! I had such a great time chasing her down a hallway after she stormed out of my apartment, I think I'd like to see her over dinner again! Perhaps she will toast me for my ability to get her into a sitcom-esque situation in my apartment! Perhaps she will just laugh off the fact that I ROYALLY PISSED HER OFF only on our 3rd date! Wahoo! I hear wedding bells!" 

Seriously though, the guy from Wednesday evening has asked me to go out with him 4 more times. He texted me the next day, asking "So, are we still on for Saturday?"

Uh, let me think...NO. I don't date liars, thanks.

"Well, I explained. So, we should go out again. As I said, my ex/roommate and I had a pact not ever to bring back other dates. And, it was very embarrassing for me to have broken that."

I'm so sorry YOU were embarrassed! Poor, poor you! When your explanation for the evening's events proves you have little regard for other people's feelings, mine or your ex's, I absolutely do not want to go out with you again.

Then..."Hey, let me know if you'd like to get together tomorrow!" 

WHY? WHY does he not understand?  


Then a bit later...


"It's your call. However, if you change your mind, let me know. It was really fun hanging out with you and I'd like to see you again. I'd love to go out again tomorrow!" 


UGH.

A Public Service Annoucement

Read it, bitches.

A public service announcement brought to you by the Queen. 

Attention! Are you an attractive man who boldly asks out the ladies whilst they are blithely going about their daily lives? Do you take said ladies out on epic dates, paying them careful attention and wittily exchanging amusing stories? Do you make future plans with the ladies? Do you talk about how trust and the truth are important parts of a relationship?

Do you lure the ladies back to your place after several dates with the promise of wine with the added benefit of superior kissing skills?


DO YOU THEN LIE TO THE LADIES ABOUT YOUR LIVING SITUATION, LEADING SAID LADIES TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST AWKWARD EVENING OF THEIR LIVES ONCE THEY REALIZE YOU LIVE WITH YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND STILL? DO YOU LET YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND GLARE AT YOUR NEW LADY FRIENDS FROM THE KITCHEN WHILE YOU DESPERATELY PANTOMIME AT SAID NICE LADIES THAT THEY WOULD QUICKLY EXIT YOUR DOMICILE BEFORE THINGS GET BAD? 

Do you then follow the utterly confused and PISSED OFF ladies down the hallway, saying you can explain...and then refusing to explain when confronted? 

If so, you are a callow, contemptible man-child , deserving nothing but misery and loneliness. 

Thank you, 

The Queen

Quiz Time!

Alright, dear readers. If you'd like to play, just read the message below, and then tell me in the comments how many dates you think this gentleman and I had been on before he sent me this. (Small edits have been made to make this more of a challenge, but the sentiment remains as-is.)

Hi *****,

Sorry I was out of touch for so long. You seem really amazing and wonderful and...just a little bit too late -- I started going on some dates with someone else, and it's gotten serious. I hope that you find someone who appreciates your knife-lickin', dimple-havin', smart-writin', all-around awesomeness. I can already tell that you deserve amazing things in your life and hope that you get them. Maybe we'll run into each other on the candlepin lanes someday.

All the best,
****

Sweet Surrender

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OkStupid Message of the Day

As I have been on nothing but exceedingly boring dates of late, I have decided to share some of the gems from my inbox on a daily basis.


"If any one said to you .. I Love you without you know him before .... please believe him !
Because No one can see you without fall in Love with you direct !!!!"

Sigh.  

The Queen

Yawn.

I had such high hopes for my date on Friday. Not that it was going to be amazing, but that it would at least be interesting. You know? Like, even if we didn't click, maybe I'd get a good story out of it.

But alas, it was not to be. It was...boring. He was very polite. He's attractive, and certainly smart. But the conversation just didn't flow. His jokes just fell flat. No spark. Just...none.

As a "get-back-on-the-horse" date, I'm glad it was with someone who was nice. But it did make me rather nostalgic for all of the truly great first dates I've had, where you leave wanting more.

Even though the date isn't that great of a story, I can offer this gem I found in the ol' inbox that very same night:

"You are stunning, radiant, and sexy. I'm ____ and I approve this message."