Nothing Is Scarier Than a Clown

 From the inbox of the Queen...


"So there's this kid, six years old, adorable but a little vulnerable, and it's his birthday. He's in his room, squint-grinning at the mirror and putting on his favorite shirt, his bright red Birthday Shirt. He's been saving it for today. He heads downstairs, where all his friends from school are playing, eating cake, pinning the odd donkey tail... whatever it is six-year-olds do in herds. He makes it to the bottom of the stairs, and slaps Jake a behind-the-back snapoff and a quick jab to the shoulder as the doorbell rings. It's the clown! He asked his mom for a clown at his party, and she went and ordered the best clown in town, because she's that great a mom. He's barely got the knob turned when the clown bursts in-- giant shoes, weirdly glossed eyes and a pleasant bulge around the waist (for the sake of the craft). He's a regular Pagliacci. The clown taps out a double-time reel in the oldest and finest of traditions of professional asses and squeaks out, "Hey! It's your birthday! Happy birthday! Isn't this great? Oh! You must be the birthday boy. Look at you, with your bright red shirt! Whadda think you are, some kind of a... tomato?" The boy squints a bit, doesn't say anything. He sort of sulks for the rest of the party, like he just can't get into the flow of it anymore. The clown leaves like he came in, his friends all go home, and the kid kinda sulks his way through the rest of school. Fastforward, the kid's in high school. Not too many friends, but he joins the improv team and he's brilliant. He gobbles up every award they've got, he's president of the club by his second year. The teach in charge wants to send him to Nationals, but he won't have any of it. He graduates and goes to Comeback College, full ride. Finishes summa cum laud. After college, he goes to the Himalayas. He climbs to the top of the highest mountain, where he trains under The Guru. After a year, the Guru raises his hand and says "my son, you have a response to every word from my mouth, a riposte to each retort and more devastating, more creative counter-repostes than I have ever imagined. You could crush a man's spirit in three lines of banter. You are ready."  So the kid, now a man, descends the mountain and returns home, to his mother's house. He calls up all his old friends from elementary school. They haven't heard from him in over a decade, but they were friends and damn but they were curious. They all come to his birthday party. He hires a clown, the best clown in town. It's the same clown. The kid is in his room before the party. All his friends are downstairs, killing six packs and Halo critters... whatever it is twenty-somethings do in herds. He puts on his favorite shirt, his bright red Birthday Shirt, saved in his drawer all this time, and goes downstairs to answer the door. The clown bursts in! His big shoes are a little worn, he's grinning under bloodshot eyes, and his waistline is a little beyond standard for the craft. He's a regular Punchinello. "Hey! Happy birthday! It's this great? Oh! You must be the birthday boy. Look at you, with your bright red shirt! Whadda think you are, some kind of a... tomato?" The kid, he's ready. The pressures of the last decade roll off his shoulders and he feels as light and free as a six-year-old. He's in the zone. He looks the clown in the eye, squints a bit, and the old man's routine falters-- the clown misses a beat. He takes a quick breath, straightens up and lets it flow. The kid says, "FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"

AAAAAAND ice broken! Hi, I'm *****: intrepid adventurer, sometimes swept by (potentially endearing?) absurdist moods. How are you? If you're still reading, I really hope you hadn't heard that one already! If you're half so awesome as you sound, I really hope you'll say hi. Plus, I have a new ZOMBIE BOARD GAME with your name on it. How many people do you think it would take, spread surreptitiously through the car, to get a whole train singing "Hey Jude"?"

Whaaaaaa? I was told there would be no actual clowns in online dating. Nothing is scarier than a clown.


Also, I'm exhausted just reading this. All in all, it's fairly entertaining in a strange way. I just...Where do you go from an epic clown story?!

Sir, please lay off the caffiene.