Meet the Mutants

There are three different types of mutants in my life, mutants in biology (blue lobsters), mutants in science fiction (superpowers and metahumans), and the most extreme form thus discovered the mutant in online dating (boring middle-aged CPAs who enjoy sport fishing and discuss their foot fetish openly). Here is a brief run-down on what distinguishes each distinct type of mutant.

Mutants in Biology: A mutant is an individual, organism, or new genetic character resulting from an instance of mutation. Mutation in this case is caused by a base-pair sequence change within the DNA of an organism, the end result being the creation of a totally new character trait not found in the wild type of said species. Mutants should not be confused with organisms born with developmental abnormalities, in which the DNA of the organism is unchanged and the abnormality cannot be passed on to progeny. A perfect example of this form of mutation is the blue lobster.

Why hello, blue lobster. Come here often? Do you enjoy dining out? What are your feelings on butter sauce?

Mutants in Science Fiction: Mutants were first introduced into science fiction as a rationalization to explain superhuman exploits. Characterized by their innate otherness, science fiction mutants are at once the “other,” something that comic books and FOX News have thus informed us is scary, as well as held in awe for the very thing that makes them the other. A hot example of a mutant in science fiction, or rather just an excuse to use this picture which teeters on the brink of being both ridiculous and libidinous, is Wolverine from X-men.

Wolverine is into outdoor sports and fencing. He is looking for a nice girl who is into cooking, kitchen cutlery, and knife cleaning. He too is tired of the “bar scene.”

Mutants in the Dating World: Mutants in the dating world consist of many distinct and yet unidentified types. Limited to extent of my ongoing research into mutations in the dating world, I present those who take up the majority of my inbox.

The most common type (for at least the most verbose email sender) is the Overzealous, Middle-Aged Bachelor garbed in chinos and a blue button-down, bonus points if pictures include one of him in a jaunty pose while standing on a elevated landmark such as on the top of a mountain and a second picture consisting of him holding a cocktail in a formerly swanky bar while surrounded by girls obviously at least ten years his junior. Though not shocking in description they tend to be the most shocking in content with (for me) the most common phrase sent either being “I want to worship you in every way, green-eyed girl” or “I love Coldplay [subtext I’m kinda hip, yo but vaguely dated]. Do you have nice feet?”

The second form of dating mutant is a combination I like to call the Muscle Man Tow Truck Driver hybrid. An offshoot of this mutation is the Muscle Man Tow Truck Driver with Puppy, fuzzball of cuteness usually prominently displayed in conjunction with the he-man flex pictures. Characteristics include a high ration of “UR” for “your” substitution, suburban dwellings, talk of the “bar scene,” and enjoyment of Las Vegas. Emails are generally limited to “Hi hun-whats up? Ur cute.”

The third mutant of interest, the Vegan Bike Messenger, I do have to admit I have an affinity for…until they start evangelizing about the evils of meat whilst casually mentioning NPR over 137 times in one conversation. They do have the benefit of being coherent in email form until the crazy starts to show around the edges about 3 emails into setting up a date at a vegan, 100% sustainable Tibetan-cupcake fusion diner that also hosts “underground” bands and bagpipes challenges. (Not that I know of any place so far, but I’m sure it would be a mecca for this particular mutant.)

Chet here enjoys vegan cupcakes, wine bottle cork ear plugs, and tiny 1930’s style mustaches. He also will shame you for having the “meat sweats” if you happen to enjoy a piece of bacon every so often. The upside, he could also shame you French if he wanted.

So, the mutants, as I call them, bring me great joy through inappropriate emails as well as reaffirm their otherness in both appropriateness and deranged fashion choices. It makes me wonder what shifts in their life have brought about their preferences and character traits. I am a firm believer that it is perfectly acceptable to be a weirdo, quirks and all, but sometimes they really make me wonder why they think I would be the one for them. Everyone already knows that I scream out “trollop” to innocent bystanders, but do I also really appeal to older fetish enthusiasts, suburban steroid lovers, and the mustachioed scenster? Actually, don’t answer that question.

Queen of Spades