Trollop

Tonight, I dealt with my first crazy. I feel like I'm in the club now!

The background: Fucktard, a single 28 year-old man who went from 0 to crazy faster than a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie goes straight to DVD, winked at me, emailed me, called me and then text messaged me all without much action on my part. He's attractive and seemed to be able to string together complete sentences, so I was willing to see what happened. (Oh, how my standards have fallen.) Two or three emails later he starts texting me during the day. Below please find our conversation, crazy talk marked in red.

"Hey, what are you up to today? Want to go out later?"
"Sorry, I have an audition later. I'm herding a bunch of students around. I lead an exciting life."
"So, now that we're talking...When was your last boyfriend?"
"Ha, smooth transition there."
"I'm for real." (I should have know right here that this was going to bottom out very quickly.)
"A couple of months ago."
"How long were you with him?"
"About a year and a half. Why? Are you conducting a survey? Are there prizes?"
"You didn't cheat or anything did you?"
"Uh, no...I would never cheat. Uh, why do you ask? Do YOU have a history of cheating?
"Just curious. Been with anyone since?"
"I've been on some severely boring dates."
"So, any intimacy since?" ("Intimacy," I hate this word. Not the state of being or action, but the actual word makes me cringe because it is so unattractive.)
"I do not discuss my sex life with strangers, sir."
"We are both adults. So, how recent?"
"So not your business, my friend. Besides I was on a dating strike for a while."
"So, when was the last time? You didn't say...doesn't have to be a date. Maybe you had a hook-up."

(Silence.)

"Well?"
"Well, I'm not going to share. A lady does not kiss and tell."
"So, what? A week ago?"

(Silence.)

"Ha, I knew it!"

(Silence.)

"You officially fail at life. I do not appreciate your questions, so we are done here. This does not work for me. Best of luck."
"'Cause I was right! I can tell a trollop* a mile away! Done where? I didn't give you the time of day. Peace." (Please see above cat picture. I'm fairly certain I made this face when the T-word came out.)
"Luckily, I can tell an asshole from just a few texts." (Okay, so I should have just ignored him, but look at what gems I got from this!)
"Not an asshole at all which if you weren't ignorant and actually got to know me you'd see that."
"Too bad. Not interested." (I just had to say this, of course.)
"I wasn't interested in you. Again I never gave you the time of day so not too sure what you think you are talking about. No worries though, plenty of low grade quality men out there for you. One day you'll mature up to the big leagues with the rest of us. Peace."

(Silence only broken by my fits of hysterical laughter.)

He called me a trollop because I wouldn't discuss my sex life with him! I seriously snorted in laughter for about 15 minutes after his last tirade. So amused.

The Trollop

(Queen of Spades)