To Thine Own Self Be True

"I think I remember Hamlet accurately."
"Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did."

About a week or so ago I was out with some friends celebrating the Queen's birthday. (Queen of Spades, not the Queen of England. Google tells me her birthday is coming up this week, however, if any of you wanted to send felicitations.) A friend and I ended up talking with two guys who had been sitting next to her at the bar. It was fairly uneventful chitchat until the end of the evening, when one of those two gentlemen asked me to talk politics with him. Specifically, he asked what I thought about "the fact that our whole government is going to shut down because of abortion".

OK. So.

I'm not really sure why I went forth with the conversation. Honestly, I don't usually like to argue with people I don't even know, and besides which, "belligerent humorless feminist"* isn't typically considered attractive, you know? (*I don't actually think I'm either belligerent or humorless, but I know how this stuff is often perceived. Anyhoo.) So I politely said that the potential government shutdown wasn't really about abortion, but that the issue of abortion was being used to make the debate more heated, and that what was really at the heart of the issue was access to preventive care and contraception.

This led to Guy #1 saying a variety of interesting (read: totally off-base if you ask me) things, such as:

1. "I don't want my tax money paying for abortions!"
2. (when told that it doesn't, actually) "What, you actually think Planned Parenthood follows the law and doesn't use federal money for abortions?"
3. "Well, we don't subsidize smoking, why are we subsidizing birth control? We should tax condoms like we do cigarettes!"
4. "Poor people just choose not to be educated. I mean, the internet is free and everyone has access to it, so they have no excuse."
5. "You might end up getting pregnant when you're not planning on it for a variety of reasons. Maybe your marriage isn't so great so you weren't planning on having kids, maybe it's because you got raped. Either way it's about choice."

Yeah.

So there was about fifteen minutes of him saying things, and me disagreeing with him and offering some information/opinions, and the whole time I'm thinking, "This guy is kind of out there" and "Well, his friend who was seeming sort of interested in me is probably about to run for the hills. Oh well." But I couldn't justify hearing someone saying "a bad marriage = rape, basically" and other such things and just letting it slide and giggling and saying, "Oh, I don't know!" Because yeah, not really me. I mean, to be fair, it would have been me even as recently as a year ago. But these days, I'm not so much interested in pretending to be neutral about stuff for the sake of looking dateable. My true nature will emerge eventually, why engage in false advertising?

Imagine my surprise when Guy #1 and I wrapped up our conversation and I prepared to leave, and Guy #2 asked me if I'd like to have dinner sometime. I'm probably making much more of this than it deserves, but as someone who has been told that my opinionated nature is a liability in dating on more than one occasion, that was...nice. You know?

So we did just that, went out for dinner, and had ourselves a nice time. So we'll see...

Dating PSA

Dear Daters over 30,

While it was understandable in your teens, and even twenties, to not know how to let someone down gently, it's really not okay after thirty.

I suggest that if you go on a few dates with someone and say things such as: we should go (insert restaurant one has never been to here) or Oh, you've never been to (insert touristy location here)? We should go when it gets warmer. Or if you end the date saying: Give me a call next week, when that person calls or texts because they are thinking you are also interested, please, I am begging you, grab your sack and have the balls to say something like "I'm really sorry. I'm just not sensing the connection" Do NOT blatantly ignore them. WTF.

The day after

Well, friends, after a bit of a hiatus from the search to find love, I went on a date last night. I'll save you all the details on how I found myself single again. Suffice it to say--he's a douchebag and a shade on the crazy side.

Last night's date went well. We actually have a mutual friend and went to college in the same city, so we had that to talk about if all else failed. As far as first dates go, it was full of all of the awkward getting to know you and weirdness of any other first date. I don't even have an outrageous story to write about, it was a perfectly normal date. I would definitely go out with him again, that alone deserves a round of applause.

So today is the day after. Where I become way too preoccupied with whether or not I will hear from him. We did leave saying we'd like to get together again, but sometimes I think people just say that to be polite. I did text him earlier to thank him for dinner and some other flirty "yes I'm interested in seeing you again" line. I hate this part...

XX NB

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

There's an expression, "In order to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs." Plenty of people have waxed sentimental about the necessity of destruction as part of creation, of wiping the slate clean to start over properly.

Well, I am on my way to a delicious omelet this week. Western, perhaps?

Part of this was motivated by a recent "person" doing something so incredibly insulting and selfish that it made me want to go to his apartment (with which I am quite familiar, having spent many nights there, no matter what he told his new girlfriend, THANKYOUVERYMUCH) and punch him in his stupid lying face. But because I like my freedom and I don't really believe in actual violence, I refrained. Instead, I did some deleting. Any connections to him online? DELETED. His phone number? Oh, the joy in seeing the question "Delete XXXXX?" on my phone. YES.

But I also got to thinking about some other people in my life, with whom I had relationships that were not so contentious and dysfunctional, but certainly were a bit complicated. And somehow, my fiery rage motivated me to look at those situations and be more honest about them. The results? I've destroyed some safety nets. I deleted the parts of those relationships that were making things complicated for me (in one case) or for him (in the other case).

And then I deleted myself from online dating completely.

I'll go back eventually, but for now I am not in the right head space for any of it. While this means I'll have nothing to write about for a while, I hope it also means that I can focus on rebuilding.

Quiz Time!

Alright, dear readers. If you'd like to play, just read the message below, and then tell me in the comments how many dates you think this gentleman and I had been on before he sent me this. (Small edits have been made to make this more of a challenge, but the sentiment remains as-is.)

Hi *****,

Sorry I was out of touch for so long. You seem really amazing and wonderful and...just a little bit too late -- I started going on some dates with someone else, and it's gotten serious. I hope that you find someone who appreciates your knife-lickin', dimple-havin', smart-writin', all-around awesomeness. I can already tell that you deserve amazing things in your life and hope that you get them. Maybe we'll run into each other on the candlepin lanes someday.

All the best,
****

Yawn.

I had such high hopes for my date on Friday. Not that it was going to be amazing, but that it would at least be interesting. You know? Like, even if we didn't click, maybe I'd get a good story out of it.

But alas, it was not to be. It was...boring. He was very polite. He's attractive, and certainly smart. But the conversation just didn't flow. His jokes just fell flat. No spark. Just...none.

As a "get-back-on-the-horse" date, I'm glad it was with someone who was nice. But it did make me rather nostalgic for all of the truly great first dates I've had, where you leave wanting more.

Even though the date isn't that great of a story, I can offer this gem I found in the ol' inbox that very same night:

"You are stunning, radiant, and sexy. I'm ____ and I approve this message."

That's Ms. Fat-Ass, to you

In the last week, or so, I have received the following two emails on an online dating website:

"You should say fat"

"You need to quit deep fried twinkyes [sic]"

I did NOT respond to either, but holy hell did I want to. What the fuck (excuse me...) is wrong with these people? Let me also say, I am fully aware of what my body looks like. My body type is very much for some and very much not for others. I have tits. I have an ass (excuse me, again). In the grand scheme of things do I honestly give a rat's ass what these two nitwits, who can't string a proper sentence together or post a picture on their profile, say? No. But my feelings are hurt. I'm not sure what bothers me more the fact that they said it, or the fact that I'm bothered by it.

A little help from your friends

Get excited...NoBridget is blogging again (read: is single again and actively trying to date)!

I was out to dinner with friends on Friday night: one other single, two married. The other single-woman shared a great story about meeting a guy she's really excited about. She had started online dating a few months back and was feeling really discouraged and had gotten to a place where she was accepting of the possibility of a relationship just not being in the cards for her. Some close friends of hers continue(d) to encourage her to date and try to meet someone. In fact, one of the friends suggested that she sign-on to the online profile and do some searches for my friend and update her profile a bit. Long story short: the friend found a great match for my friend, they met and really hit it off!

Of course, I was inspired by this story for two reasons: 1. I do think that friends sometimes know you better than you know yourself; and 2. It inspired me to log back into dating websites. However, after looking at what's available I'm thinking maybe I need a friend to do it for me. Takers?

Max Ehrmann Didn't Intend to Write Pickup Lines

Some guy sent me the entire text of the Desiderata on Ye Olde Dating Wesbite. That was it. Nothing else.

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, exactly?

Baggage Magnet

Attention, Men of the World!

Are you carrying around so much emotional baggage, you'd get charged hundreds in fees by any airline? Do you have a hunchback from the sheer weight of all of the burden you're toting? For bonus points, do you have some kind of issues with your mother, or maybe a substance abuse problem?

If that sounds like you, try dating ME! Seriously! Lots of others like you have done so in the past and been quite happy about it, at least for a little while. The results are best if you 1) Keep your issues a secret or 2) Totally downplay their severity. Because once I realize the codependent mess we're about to be in, I'll probably wise up. But who knows, you might get lucky.

The universe, while spending lots of time sending the Queen some seriously effed-up e-mails, has also been working really hard to send me emotionally unavailable people. Several. In a row. And one question I have is: if you're in no shape to date, why are you on a dating website?

Fair question, I think.

Appropriations

Recently the Queen and I enjoyed a night on the town with my good friend T and his fairly-new girlfriend A. I've met A before and I think she's really cool. But what I hadn't notcied before were some subtle changes in T's wardrobe that were very clearly her influence- and frankly, the fact that we met them at a tiny bar to watch an unknown band is also very NOT T.

It got me thinking about when people get into relationships and they appropriate things from the other person- habits, lifestyles, wardrobe, preferences in music and TV and movies. I had a friend who, when she started dating her last boyfriend, suddenly loved punk bands and became a vegetarian. Neither of these were harmful to her, but I thought it was odd for her to make a change like giving up meat just because her boyfriend did.

I thought about myself and what I may have appropriated from people I've dated. Some things were only for the duration of the relationship, while others were things that I truly grew to like on my own (hello, Top Chef!).

What do you think, readers? What things have you picked up, or have people picked up from you? Have you ever made a drastic change because it made you match a partner's preferences? Have you ever been concerned when you've seen a friend do the same?

Where's the Poop, Robin?

Regular readers will know that I'm a big fan of How I Met Your Mother, and that I've found many instances where plot points on that show mirror my dating experiences.

Last week, Robin tried to casually tell the group that she'd seen her ex, a newscaster, on his new show, and that she turned the TV off and realized she was over him. Lily knew better, and asked, "Where's the poop, Robin?" She explained that she'd had a dog as a child who would make the same face Robin was making, and it always meant he'd pooped somewhere in the house. Robin then had to admit that she'd actually watched the whole show, gotten drunk, and called her ex.

Apparently I am as bad at hiding things as my favorite fictional Canadian. To wit:

Queen of Spades: So, how did the date go last night?
CarrieLives: Oh, really well. He was nice, and we had a really good time.
Queen of Spades: Did you kiiisss him? (said in her best elementary-school teasing tone)
CarrieLives: Yes, yes I did.
Queen of Spades: Anything else?
Carrie Lives: ...
Queen of Spades: I KNEW it!

What can I say? I have a terrible poker face and zero willpower. So...there's that.

On the Importance of Knowing One's Audience

Over the past couple of weeks I'd been chatting with a guy I met on the lovely internets. It all seemed pretty cool at first- we had some nice conversations and we had a lot in common. I was happy to accept when he asked me out.

We were discussing where and when to meet up, and he asked if I'd prefer to go home after work before meeting him or not. I said I would so I could drop my stuff off and what have you, and he says, "Yeah, plus you have to look pretty for me."

*blink, blink* Excuse me?

I laughed, because I couldn't think what else to say. And I thought, hey, I'll let that slide, because he was just trying to be funny. And I tried not to think about the guy from last year who told me that 15 minutes late was 5 minutes early for me since I was a girl, and how I laughed that off and he turned out to be a jerk. Because sometimes it's just a joke, right?

Well, right. But after that came another sexist joke, followed by a racist joke, followed by me saying hey, it's been real, but you have made me feel rather uncomfortable a few times now, so I think maybe we shouldn't hang out again. And that was that.

I've run into this sort of thing a few times- where I'll meet a guy and in the first few conversations/dates he'll let fly a comment (or several comments) that are anywhere from "Gee, I could take that a number of different ways and some of those ways are offensive" to "Holy crap, WHO SAYS THAT?" While sometimes it's that the guy truly is just kind of a jerk, sometimes I think it's a case of them not realizing that when you don't know your audience, there are just some things you don't say.

It goes without saying that anything racist, bigoted, sexist, or generally just fricking mean is pretty much never OK (for example, the infamous Crazy Starbucks Guy, who told me about how all women of a certain age are "Hos" on our first date). But some things can be funny once you're more familiar with a person and you know their sense of humor. I think in dating, and in any new relationship, it's important not to assume familiarity and comfort. Not that you need to be some fake version of yourself or flat-out lie to be agreeable- but it's a good idea to think before you speak.

And here I thought incoherent ramblings and inflated egos were bad...

...but this, my friends, THIS is far worse.

The good people at Jezebel have shared this story of "Alice" and her recent encounter with a male suitor on a dating website. To call his comments "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

What It's Like Out There

This post is dedicated to all of those folks who have said:

"You must hear from at least SOME nice guys."
"I bet the problem is that you're being too picky."
"You're so (smart, funny, attractive, etc.), you shouldn't have a problem."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the highlights from my online dating universe, circa yesterday.

Bachelor #1 would like to help me avoid looking like I have a case of The Gay:
"I'm XXXX, What can I say to you in an email that some guy hasn't already said. How can I stand out from all the other yahoos (guys) on this site. Yeah I called them yahoos, I checked out some of the guys profiles, later found that to be a mistake because I showed up in there who viewed me. Lucky none of them felt compelled to contact me. It would have been awkward. About me, sense of humor, check. I can laugh at my self. Love to cook more than being cooked for. I have a curios nature and am always trying to learn and figure things out. I have a great family and many of my friends agree. I have great friends, don't take my word for it, ask them they will tell you they are great friends. Okay, this is starting to feel like a resume, that what my profile is for. So I leave you with this advice, don't check out profiles of the same sex unless that is something that you are into."

Bachelor #2 would like me to recognize his 40 years of experience.

"Hi beaty I have 40, I would like to meet you before get41. You are so BEATIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bachelor #3...well, I can't tell you much about him except that he checks me out three or four times a day, and also checks out my roommate's profile- which we figured out has photos of me as well.

So yeah, I guess I'm picky, because this kind of stuff isn't doing it for me.

If you loved me you would

I love my friends. I love them and they love me, but sometimes I wish they would focus on their own lives and not everyone else's, or at least not mine. I've been telling people the former boy and I have been talking again. It's been a little jarring when I get: "F him! You better not get back together with him!" I realize the people who say this truly care about me and do not want me to get hurt. I also realize that we did not end things well. The dramatic way it ended is in this blog for the world to see. Believe me, I have not forgotten.

However, when the hell did I say I was going to get back together with him? Would I hear him out? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I believe that people can make things work the 2nd time around? Yes. Am I going to drive to his house tonight and tell him how sorry I am and jump in the sack? HELL NO. Frankly, the assumption that I would is insulting.

Here is a snippet from a recent conversation:

Me: I heard from XXX btw.

Friend: WTF. Fuck him. Did you tell him to fuck off?

Me: Ummm, no. I was civil.

Friend: You better not take him back!

Me: Ummm, what? That didn't come up.

Friend: Well would you, cause I would be disappointed if you did.

Me: Ummm, I would be open to hearing what he had to say about it, but I certainly am not going go back to something if it's still the same way it was.

Friend: I realize you didn't ask for the advice, but...

Me: Please don't lecture me

Friend: (insert 5 minute monologue here about what an ass he is and how great I am except for the part where I'm a stupid bitch if I take him back)

Me: I appreciate your concern, but I can make my own decisions and I would think you would support me regardless.

Friend: Well, I would. I just think it's the wrong decision to make.

Me: Yeah, that just doesn't sound very supportive to me.

Friend: Well wtf, he was a jerk.

Me: (I have completely shut down at this point and am just mumbling shit like "well we'll see", "whatever", "uhhuh")

This friend has called me every day since just to "check on me." *sigh* To be fair, most of my friends have had nothing to say about it other than Oh? What's up with that?

And then we have the conversation with my mother about it:

Mom: Well, would you dump his ass if nothing has changed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Is he good in bed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Then what the hell do you care what your friends think? It's your life.

I heart my Mom.

Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Taking the Low Road, and a To-Do List

I've been dating for a long time now. Since I was fourteen, with about 5-6 years off when I was in one relationship or another. So I've got about ten years of experience to draw from. But for some reason I'm still a little surprised when a guy professes to be interested, talks about wanting to go out again, and then disappears.

I'm not talking about the ones where you both aren't interested and you sort of vaguely avoid the subject or make halfhearted attempts at saying things like "So I'll call you" and then no one does. I mean when you've had several dates, he says, "We definitely need to go out again, let's plan something for next week" and then he falls off the grid faster than if Witness Protection had sent him to Idaho.

I guess I continue to be surprised because I find that sort of thing to be counterproductive and kind of cowardly, and I am nothing if not efficient and straightforward. And normally, even though I don't get it, I usually take the high road and take the hint. No sense spending energy on a person like that.

But...Deja Vu Guy and I had a great date last week, and it ended with him saying we should definitely get together again. When I mentioned that my schedule was a little iffy, he said, "Give me a call when you know what nights you're free." And I did. And that was five days ago. And frankly, given the backstory on this one, I'm a shade annoyed. Not to mention a man of his age should know better.

So I took the low road for a change and sent this e-mail today:

So I'm curious...you couldn't remember why you never called me five years ago. What's the reason this time?

I'm aware of a few things here- namely that 1. I may not get an answer; 2. I may get an answer I really don't like; 3. This probably makes me look kind of bitchy; and 4. Saying this won't change anything. I'm OK with that. For some reason, it just felt good to speak up and say "Hey, this is kind of silly, why not just tell me you're not interested?" rather than slinking away so as not to "bother" anyone.

Since that act, however small, was a stretch for me, I thought this list (found via FunkyBrownChick) was interesting. Maybe this counts as #10? Eh...probably not. :)

Where is the line?

I had an interesting first date last night, that temporarily left me wondering where the line is between "no real connection" and "too picky/stuck up bitch." My date was very nice, respectful, honest (or seems to be...), and accepting (again, or seemed to be), all of the things that are on my Must Haves list. However, I left something off the list and I felt guilty last night for thinking this...Intelligence, or insight, or ability to have an intellectual conversation. He may not be "dumb" per say, but I think we think very differently about things and we find different things intellectually stimulating (I'm so diplomatic, aren't I?). And let me also say this: I totally would have dated him in my 20's, but not at 37. Here is the exchange that pretty much sealed the deal for me:

Him: So, tell me about your trip to Portugal. Is it as under-developed as S. America (he had just returned from a trip there).
Me: In some parts, yes. There are some areas where I would not be the least bit surprised to see a local riding to donkey to get around. But in other areas it's built up and developed. I also think that in some ways they are ahead of the game. Like, using wind power and federally legalizing gay marriage.
Him: Oh they legalized gay marriage?
Me: Yeah, a few months ago.
Him: Wow, I didn't realize there were gay people in Portugal.
Me: There are. (while in my head going: *BLINK*blink*blink*blink*)

Like I said, he is a very nice guy and maybe I am a stuck up b***, but he is not a good match for me.

He emailed me about an hour ago to say he didn't really feel a connection and didn't think that I was interested in him either. I do feel a little bad that it was that obvious, BUT I am glad that he took the time to email, I give him a lot of points for that.

Deja Vu All Over Again

You may remember that a while back, I received a message from a guy who I'd gone out with before and that he didn't seem to remember me. In the end I decided to just come clean right away, and we had a laugh over it and neither of us could remember why we only went out once back then and never called each other. Since it stood to reason that if the date had been truly awful at least ONE of us would remember it, we decided to give it another go.

Since then we've been out twice- due to opposite work schedules and a LOT of travel on my part, there were five weeks between those two dates. But I guess that's better than five years, am I right?

So far it's been a lot of fun, and fairly relaxed, which is nice given my tendency toward being a neurotic freakbag about this stuff. But we'll just see if we can get to a place of actually hanging out more often than once a month, or if this will peter out like it did back in the bygone days of 2005.

In other news, NoBridget introduced the Queen and me to Project Husband 2011 (found via 27 Dresses in Cleveland) and we're both horrified. What do you think, readers? Is this a great experiment in the power of positive thinking, or is this woman absolutely batshit insane? (Call me crazy, but I think booking a wedding venue and choosing a dress BEFORE you have a groom is putting the cart before the horse just a tad.)