If you loved me you would

I love my friends. I love them and they love me, but sometimes I wish they would focus on their own lives and not everyone else's, or at least not mine. I've been telling people the former boy and I have been talking again. It's been a little jarring when I get: "F him! You better not get back together with him!" I realize the people who say this truly care about me and do not want me to get hurt. I also realize that we did not end things well. The dramatic way it ended is in this blog for the world to see. Believe me, I have not forgotten.

However, when the hell did I say I was going to get back together with him? Would I hear him out? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I believe that people can make things work the 2nd time around? Yes. Am I going to drive to his house tonight and tell him how sorry I am and jump in the sack? HELL NO. Frankly, the assumption that I would is insulting.

Here is a snippet from a recent conversation:

Me: I heard from XXX btw.

Friend: WTF. Fuck him. Did you tell him to fuck off?

Me: Ummm, no. I was civil.

Friend: You better not take him back!

Me: Ummm, what? That didn't come up.

Friend: Well would you, cause I would be disappointed if you did.

Me: Ummm, I would be open to hearing what he had to say about it, but I certainly am not going go back to something if it's still the same way it was.

Friend: I realize you didn't ask for the advice, but...

Me: Please don't lecture me

Friend: (insert 5 minute monologue here about what an ass he is and how great I am except for the part where I'm a stupid bitch if I take him back)

Me: I appreciate your concern, but I can make my own decisions and I would think you would support me regardless.

Friend: Well, I would. I just think it's the wrong decision to make.

Me: Yeah, that just doesn't sound very supportive to me.

Friend: Well wtf, he was a jerk.

Me: (I have completely shut down at this point and am just mumbling shit like "well we'll see", "whatever", "uhhuh")

This friend has called me every day since just to "check on me." *sigh* To be fair, most of my friends have had nothing to say about it other than Oh? What's up with that?

And then we have the conversation with my mother about it:

Mom: Well, would you dump his ass if nothing has changed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Is he good in bed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Then what the hell do you care what your friends think? It's your life.

I heart my Mom.

Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."