I am SO MUCH CRAZIER than her.

I have this ex-boyfriend. I mean, don't we all? Actually, if I am to be honest, I have several, but I'm speaking specifically about the last person in my life to hold the title.

It's been nearly two years since we broke up (and I was the dumpee and NOT happy about it at the time, but I am happy about it now, boy howdy). We're on OK terms at this point. I wouldn't say we're friends, but we're friendly. We probably talk 2-3 times per year. He will be moving back to the city where I live this summer, so I'm not sure if we may meet up for coffee more than once a year or if proximity will have no effect on that. I honestly wouldn't care much either way right now.

And yet- today I got an e-mail from him. It's literally the first time either of us has contacted each other since Christmastime. He sent me an article he'd found during some lawyerly research he was doing that related to a place I used to work, which was nice of him. So I replied and at the end I asked if he'd started looking for an apartment here yet.

And right after I hit send, I was immediately hit with a moment of fear- What if he replies with, "Actually my girlfriend and I found a great place..."

This is quite dumb for several reasons.

1. I do not want to date him again, ever.
2. Wouldn't it be nice for him if he has a new girlfriend? I mean, a nice person would be happy for him.
3. If he has a new girlfriend before I have a new boyfriend, it does not mean he wins, nor does it mean that I am inferior in any way.

It's number three that is hardest to remember, and that is the reason for my fear. Because while rationally I know it's true, but I am slightly crazy. Or maybe very crazy. You know? It would still make me feel bad, if only for a short while. And I'd have to think about how I was probably SO MUCH PRETTIER than her. Worthwhile pursuits, all!

He just replied. Didn't mention a girlfriend, either.

Back in the Game

Wow. It's been awhile. I tried to think of a creative way to tell you all where I've been for the last 2 months...Suffice it to say, it was a combination of a U-turn and a strike while trying to recover from said U-turn. The strike is officially over and I went on a real date over the weekend. My first real date since March.

Details: We met on match.com, he has a job, owns a house, has a car, is attractive and his emails were hilarious. The majority of the date went well. He was friendly, talkative and their were no awkward silences, which is always a plus. However, about 3 hours in he started asking a lot of questions about my most recent relationship. I tried to keep it vague: We broke up a year and a half ago, together on and off for 5 years, he's not in my life for a reason, blah blah blah. However, he kept asking questions about it and frankly I got so fed up I finally thought to myself "Fuck it, I'm just going to answer the damn questions and stop being avoidant." So I told him a good portion of the Jerry Springer relationship I was in.

Now, I know talking about exes is gererally a no-no on a first date, but at this point I'm annoyed that he kept asking and knew he would keep going until he would understand why I just didn't want to talk about it. I also have a certain level of understanding that it is a very crazy story and people are generally intrigued by it, so whatever...I told him. Upon hearing the story his response was: "Wow. Well now you make sense to me, I thought you were hard to read...I should probably tell you about my last relationship." Surprisingly enough, he says he's interested in going out again, so I guess the Jerry Springer story didn't freak him out too much. And while the last hour was torture, I am willing to see him again.

Then we come to all of the underlying issues that keep me from dating in the first place. Right now, my head is kind of spinning with the following:
Do I really have the time and energy for a relationship?
What if he gets to know me and hates me?
I am not "smitten" by him, shouldn't I be? (I have movies and television to thank for that one)
I hate getting to know people, I just want the comfort of already knowing someone.

So that's my story...we'll see what happens.

Have a mentioned my ovaries and uterus having been screaming at me to do something about my love life??

xx NB