Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Single

Ladies and gentlemen, I am single. And I am shocked at the way the whole thing went down. First he tells me he's upset about me getting so upset about him not spending the night and, and me over-reacting. I felt AWFUL, just awful that something that I said could hurt someone. It is never my intention to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about.

Then he tells me he just doesn't think he can make me happy. But I WAS happy. I explained what I want and what I need.

Finally, he gets to the real issue. He wasn't happy. Hasn't been for a while. He was waiting to be sure and for the right time to tell me. Say what? So here I have been talking about about how happy I am. How much I like him. How compatible I thought we were. How I thought we were in a good place. He let me think we were okay. And now to hear him say that he doesn't even like spending time with me and hasn't for a while. So of course I say well if things were okay at some point, I think it's worthwhile to at least try, you are worth at least that to me. Complete and total silence. I am not even worth the words. I'm not worth the words to try to work it out, apparently I wasn't even worth the words it would've taken to talk to me when he first started feeling that way. He didn't even care enough about me to TRY.

Who does that? Who makes someone feel worthless without batting an eyelash? How does someone spend months with someone else and just quit because they just ain't feeling it? How can let someone think you care about them and then turn around and not care enough to try? I am not worthless. I do NOT quit on the people that I care about.

Then he asked me if I was going to be okay. Again: Say what? Who exactly do you think you are that I cannot get over you and move on and be perfectly okay? Yes, I am going to be just fine. With or without you. While I thought I preferred with, you leave me no choice but to go without.

I do admit that I felt uneasy a few times about things. I chalked it up to my trust issues and tried to be up front with him about it. He didn't say anything other than "of course I like you, I wouldn't make time for you if I didn't" and my personal favorite "We all have baggage, I understand. We are not always going to be on the same page. We either work through it or agree to disagree." Not one word about ending things, ever. I really need to start trusting my intuition more.