Dating PSA

Dear Daters over 30,

While it was understandable in your teens, and even twenties, to not know how to let someone down gently, it's really not okay after thirty.

I suggest that if you go on a few dates with someone and say things such as: we should go (insert restaurant one has never been to here) or Oh, you've never been to (insert touristy location here)? We should go when it gets warmer. Or if you end the date saying: Give me a call next week, when that person calls or texts because they are thinking you are also interested, please, I am begging you, grab your sack and have the balls to say something like "I'm really sorry. I'm just not sensing the connection" Do NOT blatantly ignore them. WTF.

On the Importance of Knowing One's Audience

Over the past couple of weeks I'd been chatting with a guy I met on the lovely internets. It all seemed pretty cool at first- we had some nice conversations and we had a lot in common. I was happy to accept when he asked me out.

We were discussing where and when to meet up, and he asked if I'd prefer to go home after work before meeting him or not. I said I would so I could drop my stuff off and what have you, and he says, "Yeah, plus you have to look pretty for me."

*blink, blink* Excuse me?

I laughed, because I couldn't think what else to say. And I thought, hey, I'll let that slide, because he was just trying to be funny. And I tried not to think about the guy from last year who told me that 15 minutes late was 5 minutes early for me since I was a girl, and how I laughed that off and he turned out to be a jerk. Because sometimes it's just a joke, right?

Well, right. But after that came another sexist joke, followed by a racist joke, followed by me saying hey, it's been real, but you have made me feel rather uncomfortable a few times now, so I think maybe we shouldn't hang out again. And that was that.

I've run into this sort of thing a few times- where I'll meet a guy and in the first few conversations/dates he'll let fly a comment (or several comments) that are anywhere from "Gee, I could take that a number of different ways and some of those ways are offensive" to "Holy crap, WHO SAYS THAT?" While sometimes it's that the guy truly is just kind of a jerk, sometimes I think it's a case of them not realizing that when you don't know your audience, there are just some things you don't say.

It goes without saying that anything racist, bigoted, sexist, or generally just fricking mean is pretty much never OK (for example, the infamous Crazy Starbucks Guy, who told me about how all women of a certain age are "Hos" on our first date). But some things can be funny once you're more familiar with a person and you know their sense of humor. I think in dating, and in any new relationship, it's important not to assume familiarity and comfort. Not that you need to be some fake version of yourself or flat-out lie to be agreeable- but it's a good idea to think before you speak.

Rhymes with "Mouchebag" *

Last night I spent a couple of hours at a favorite bar with my friend A, watching the game. We were marveling at how many men there were in the place, and in particular we'd noticed a group of them standing close by who were kinda cute. At least, they were at first.

I was closest and could hear everything they were talking about, and in this case that wasn't a good thing.

"You know XXXX at work? You think she's got fake tits? I bet she's fucked XXXX. I hear she's fucked a ton of guys."

"My girl better be getting hit on wherever we go. If I'm dating a girl and she's not getting hit on every fuckin' place we go, I'm dating the wrong girl."

The one saying most of this stuff was married, by the by. And at some point he leaned over to me and said, "Sorry if we're being kind of vulgar. I don't know how much of our conversation you can hear."

"Don't worry, I can hear everything."

"Oh, we're just being assholes. Actually I am an asshole, and I just put it right out there."

Well, at least he's honest, I suppose. His wife must be proud.

*Credit for this title goes to Entertainment Weekly via my friend L, who saw the phrase used recently to describe Jon Gosselin. Seemed fitting here as well.