That's Ms. Fat-Ass, to you

In the last week, or so, I have received the following two emails on an online dating website:

"You should say fat"

"You need to quit deep fried twinkyes [sic]"

I did NOT respond to either, but holy hell did I want to. What the fuck (excuse me...) is wrong with these people? Let me also say, I am fully aware of what my body looks like. My body type is very much for some and very much not for others. I have tits. I have an ass (excuse me, again). In the grand scheme of things do I honestly give a rat's ass what these two nitwits, who can't string a proper sentence together or post a picture on their profile, say? No. But my feelings are hurt. I'm not sure what bothers me more the fact that they said it, or the fact that I'm bothered by it.

A little help from your friends

Get excited...NoBridget is blogging again (read: is single again and actively trying to date)!

I was out to dinner with friends on Friday night: one other single, two married. The other single-woman shared a great story about meeting a guy she's really excited about. She had started online dating a few months back and was feeling really discouraged and had gotten to a place where she was accepting of the possibility of a relationship just not being in the cards for her. Some close friends of hers continue(d) to encourage her to date and try to meet someone. In fact, one of the friends suggested that she sign-on to the online profile and do some searches for my friend and update her profile a bit. Long story short: the friend found a great match for my friend, they met and really hit it off!

Of course, I was inspired by this story for two reasons: 1. I do think that friends sometimes know you better than you know yourself; and 2. It inspired me to log back into dating websites. However, after looking at what's available I'm thinking maybe I need a friend to do it for me. Takers?

Max Ehrmann Didn't Intend to Write Pickup Lines

Some guy sent me the entire text of the Desiderata on Ye Olde Dating Wesbite. That was it. Nothing else.

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, exactly?

Baggage Magnet

Attention, Men of the World!

Are you carrying around so much emotional baggage, you'd get charged hundreds in fees by any airline? Do you have a hunchback from the sheer weight of all of the burden you're toting? For bonus points, do you have some kind of issues with your mother, or maybe a substance abuse problem?

If that sounds like you, try dating ME! Seriously! Lots of others like you have done so in the past and been quite happy about it, at least for a little while. The results are best if you 1) Keep your issues a secret or 2) Totally downplay their severity. Because once I realize the codependent mess we're about to be in, I'll probably wise up. But who knows, you might get lucky.

The universe, while spending lots of time sending the Queen some seriously effed-up e-mails, has also been working really hard to send me emotionally unavailable people. Several. In a row. And one question I have is: if you're in no shape to date, why are you on a dating website?

Fair question, I think.

Appropriations

Recently the Queen and I enjoyed a night on the town with my good friend T and his fairly-new girlfriend A. I've met A before and I think she's really cool. But what I hadn't notcied before were some subtle changes in T's wardrobe that were very clearly her influence- and frankly, the fact that we met them at a tiny bar to watch an unknown band is also very NOT T.

It got me thinking about when people get into relationships and they appropriate things from the other person- habits, lifestyles, wardrobe, preferences in music and TV and movies. I had a friend who, when she started dating her last boyfriend, suddenly loved punk bands and became a vegetarian. Neither of these were harmful to her, but I thought it was odd for her to make a change like giving up meat just because her boyfriend did.

I thought about myself and what I may have appropriated from people I've dated. Some things were only for the duration of the relationship, while others were things that I truly grew to like on my own (hello, Top Chef!).

What do you think, readers? What things have you picked up, or have people picked up from you? Have you ever made a drastic change because it made you match a partner's preferences? Have you ever been concerned when you've seen a friend do the same?

Where's the Poop, Robin?

Regular readers will know that I'm a big fan of How I Met Your Mother, and that I've found many instances where plot points on that show mirror my dating experiences.

Last week, Robin tried to casually tell the group that she'd seen her ex, a newscaster, on his new show, and that she turned the TV off and realized she was over him. Lily knew better, and asked, "Where's the poop, Robin?" She explained that she'd had a dog as a child who would make the same face Robin was making, and it always meant he'd pooped somewhere in the house. Robin then had to admit that she'd actually watched the whole show, gotten drunk, and called her ex.

Apparently I am as bad at hiding things as my favorite fictional Canadian. To wit:

Queen of Spades: So, how did the date go last night?
CarrieLives: Oh, really well. He was nice, and we had a really good time.
Queen of Spades: Did you kiiisss him? (said in her best elementary-school teasing tone)
CarrieLives: Yes, yes I did.
Queen of Spades: Anything else?
Carrie Lives: ...
Queen of Spades: I KNEW it!

What can I say? I have a terrible poker face and zero willpower. So...there's that.

On the Importance of Knowing One's Audience

Over the past couple of weeks I'd been chatting with a guy I met on the lovely internets. It all seemed pretty cool at first- we had some nice conversations and we had a lot in common. I was happy to accept when he asked me out.

We were discussing where and when to meet up, and he asked if I'd prefer to go home after work before meeting him or not. I said I would so I could drop my stuff off and what have you, and he says, "Yeah, plus you have to look pretty for me."

*blink, blink* Excuse me?

I laughed, because I couldn't think what else to say. And I thought, hey, I'll let that slide, because he was just trying to be funny. And I tried not to think about the guy from last year who told me that 15 minutes late was 5 minutes early for me since I was a girl, and how I laughed that off and he turned out to be a jerk. Because sometimes it's just a joke, right?

Well, right. But after that came another sexist joke, followed by a racist joke, followed by me saying hey, it's been real, but you have made me feel rather uncomfortable a few times now, so I think maybe we shouldn't hang out again. And that was that.

I've run into this sort of thing a few times- where I'll meet a guy and in the first few conversations/dates he'll let fly a comment (or several comments) that are anywhere from "Gee, I could take that a number of different ways and some of those ways are offensive" to "Holy crap, WHO SAYS THAT?" While sometimes it's that the guy truly is just kind of a jerk, sometimes I think it's a case of them not realizing that when you don't know your audience, there are just some things you don't say.

It goes without saying that anything racist, bigoted, sexist, or generally just fricking mean is pretty much never OK (for example, the infamous Crazy Starbucks Guy, who told me about how all women of a certain age are "Hos" on our first date). But some things can be funny once you're more familiar with a person and you know their sense of humor. I think in dating, and in any new relationship, it's important not to assume familiarity and comfort. Not that you need to be some fake version of yourself or flat-out lie to be agreeable- but it's a good idea to think before you speak.

And here I thought incoherent ramblings and inflated egos were bad...

...but this, my friends, THIS is far worse.

The good people at Jezebel have shared this story of "Alice" and her recent encounter with a male suitor on a dating website. To call his comments "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

What It's Like Out There

This post is dedicated to all of those folks who have said:

"You must hear from at least SOME nice guys."
"I bet the problem is that you're being too picky."
"You're so (smart, funny, attractive, etc.), you shouldn't have a problem."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the highlights from my online dating universe, circa yesterday.

Bachelor #1 would like to help me avoid looking like I have a case of The Gay:
"I'm XXXX, What can I say to you in an email that some guy hasn't already said. How can I stand out from all the other yahoos (guys) on this site. Yeah I called them yahoos, I checked out some of the guys profiles, later found that to be a mistake because I showed up in there who viewed me. Lucky none of them felt compelled to contact me. It would have been awkward. About me, sense of humor, check. I can laugh at my self. Love to cook more than being cooked for. I have a curios nature and am always trying to learn and figure things out. I have a great family and many of my friends agree. I have great friends, don't take my word for it, ask them they will tell you they are great friends. Okay, this is starting to feel like a resume, that what my profile is for. So I leave you with this advice, don't check out profiles of the same sex unless that is something that you are into."

Bachelor #2 would like me to recognize his 40 years of experience.

"Hi beaty I have 40, I would like to meet you before get41. You are so BEATIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bachelor #3...well, I can't tell you much about him except that he checks me out three or four times a day, and also checks out my roommate's profile- which we figured out has photos of me as well.

So yeah, I guess I'm picky, because this kind of stuff isn't doing it for me.

If you loved me you would

I love my friends. I love them and they love me, but sometimes I wish they would focus on their own lives and not everyone else's, or at least not mine. I've been telling people the former boy and I have been talking again. It's been a little jarring when I get: "F him! You better not get back together with him!" I realize the people who say this truly care about me and do not want me to get hurt. I also realize that we did not end things well. The dramatic way it ended is in this blog for the world to see. Believe me, I have not forgotten.

However, when the hell did I say I was going to get back together with him? Would I hear him out? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I believe that people can make things work the 2nd time around? Yes. Am I going to drive to his house tonight and tell him how sorry I am and jump in the sack? HELL NO. Frankly, the assumption that I would is insulting.

Here is a snippet from a recent conversation:

Me: I heard from XXX btw.

Friend: WTF. Fuck him. Did you tell him to fuck off?

Me: Ummm, no. I was civil.

Friend: You better not take him back!

Me: Ummm, what? That didn't come up.

Friend: Well would you, cause I would be disappointed if you did.

Me: Ummm, I would be open to hearing what he had to say about it, but I certainly am not going go back to something if it's still the same way it was.

Friend: I realize you didn't ask for the advice, but...

Me: Please don't lecture me

Friend: (insert 5 minute monologue here about what an ass he is and how great I am except for the part where I'm a stupid bitch if I take him back)

Me: I appreciate your concern, but I can make my own decisions and I would think you would support me regardless.

Friend: Well, I would. I just think it's the wrong decision to make.

Me: Yeah, that just doesn't sound very supportive to me.

Friend: Well wtf, he was a jerk.

Me: (I have completely shut down at this point and am just mumbling shit like "well we'll see", "whatever", "uhhuh")

This friend has called me every day since just to "check on me." *sigh* To be fair, most of my friends have had nothing to say about it other than Oh? What's up with that?

And then we have the conversation with my mother about it:

Mom: Well, would you dump his ass if nothing has changed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Is he good in bed?

Me: Of course.

Mom: Then what the hell do you care what your friends think? It's your life.

I heart my Mom.

Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Taking the Low Road, and a To-Do List

I've been dating for a long time now. Since I was fourteen, with about 5-6 years off when I was in one relationship or another. So I've got about ten years of experience to draw from. But for some reason I'm still a little surprised when a guy professes to be interested, talks about wanting to go out again, and then disappears.

I'm not talking about the ones where you both aren't interested and you sort of vaguely avoid the subject or make halfhearted attempts at saying things like "So I'll call you" and then no one does. I mean when you've had several dates, he says, "We definitely need to go out again, let's plan something for next week" and then he falls off the grid faster than if Witness Protection had sent him to Idaho.

I guess I continue to be surprised because I find that sort of thing to be counterproductive and kind of cowardly, and I am nothing if not efficient and straightforward. And normally, even though I don't get it, I usually take the high road and take the hint. No sense spending energy on a person like that.

But...Deja Vu Guy and I had a great date last week, and it ended with him saying we should definitely get together again. When I mentioned that my schedule was a little iffy, he said, "Give me a call when you know what nights you're free." And I did. And that was five days ago. And frankly, given the backstory on this one, I'm a shade annoyed. Not to mention a man of his age should know better.

So I took the low road for a change and sent this e-mail today:

So I'm curious...you couldn't remember why you never called me five years ago. What's the reason this time?

I'm aware of a few things here- namely that 1. I may not get an answer; 2. I may get an answer I really don't like; 3. This probably makes me look kind of bitchy; and 4. Saying this won't change anything. I'm OK with that. For some reason, it just felt good to speak up and say "Hey, this is kind of silly, why not just tell me you're not interested?" rather than slinking away so as not to "bother" anyone.

Since that act, however small, was a stretch for me, I thought this list (found via FunkyBrownChick) was interesting. Maybe this counts as #10? Eh...probably not. :)

Where is the line?

I had an interesting first date last night, that temporarily left me wondering where the line is between "no real connection" and "too picky/stuck up bitch." My date was very nice, respectful, honest (or seems to be...), and accepting (again, or seemed to be), all of the things that are on my Must Haves list. However, I left something off the list and I felt guilty last night for thinking this...Intelligence, or insight, or ability to have an intellectual conversation. He may not be "dumb" per say, but I think we think very differently about things and we find different things intellectually stimulating (I'm so diplomatic, aren't I?). And let me also say this: I totally would have dated him in my 20's, but not at 37. Here is the exchange that pretty much sealed the deal for me:

Him: So, tell me about your trip to Portugal. Is it as under-developed as S. America (he had just returned from a trip there).
Me: In some parts, yes. There are some areas where I would not be the least bit surprised to see a local riding to donkey to get around. But in other areas it's built up and developed. I also think that in some ways they are ahead of the game. Like, using wind power and federally legalizing gay marriage.
Him: Oh they legalized gay marriage?
Me: Yeah, a few months ago.
Him: Wow, I didn't realize there were gay people in Portugal.
Me: There are. (while in my head going: *BLINK*blink*blink*blink*)

Like I said, he is a very nice guy and maybe I am a stuck up b***, but he is not a good match for me.

He emailed me about an hour ago to say he didn't really feel a connection and didn't think that I was interested in him either. I do feel a little bad that it was that obvious, BUT I am glad that he took the time to email, I give him a lot of points for that.

Deja Vu All Over Again

You may remember that a while back, I received a message from a guy who I'd gone out with before and that he didn't seem to remember me. In the end I decided to just come clean right away, and we had a laugh over it and neither of us could remember why we only went out once back then and never called each other. Since it stood to reason that if the date had been truly awful at least ONE of us would remember it, we decided to give it another go.

Since then we've been out twice- due to opposite work schedules and a LOT of travel on my part, there were five weeks between those two dates. But I guess that's better than five years, am I right?

So far it's been a lot of fun, and fairly relaxed, which is nice given my tendency toward being a neurotic freakbag about this stuff. But we'll just see if we can get to a place of actually hanging out more often than once a month, or if this will peter out like it did back in the bygone days of 2005.

In other news, NoBridget introduced the Queen and me to Project Husband 2011 (found via 27 Dresses in Cleveland) and we're both horrified. What do you think, readers? Is this a great experiment in the power of positive thinking, or is this woman absolutely batshit insane? (Call me crazy, but I think booking a wedding venue and choosing a dress BEFORE you have a groom is putting the cart before the horse just a tad.)

Here We Go Again

After Mr. Patient turned into the former boy and flaming a**, I quietly decided to go on strike. Initially, I updated my online dating profile and was ready to forge ahead without giving it a second thought. Then, I was being cyber-stalked (long story) which lead to some very bitter and hateful email exchanges. I realized I was really very sad and angry about the whole thing. And the strike began.

The first two weeks I let myself stay angry. I had to, if I didn't I was going to be sad and pathetic. The second two weeks I left the country. I wish I could say it was a spontaneous break-up related thing, but it had already been planned. And now I'm ready. I'm neither sad, nor angry, but also not indifferent. I would say more annoyed and disappointed than anything. More about his behavior, post-breakup, than the actual ending of things. If you only knew how many times I have said "If I only knew..." over the last month. The silver lining in all of it is; now I know that I do want to be in a grown-up relationship and I'm not as scared of that as I have been in the past. So I'm not giving up, and the strike is over.

There are currently four potentials in the dating queue. All have stated they would like to get together. One is incredibly grammatically-challenged, I'm not sure if the OCD-tendencies in me can handle that, but he's super tall and that always gets a first date. The shoulders are brushed off and away we go...

Do I know you from somewhere?

The message was innocent enough:

Hey, I'm XXXX... how are you? I'd love to talk some time.. learn more about you. How is okcupid treating you? Any interesting characters.. or meetings?

So I start looking at photos. And I realize the guy looks familiar. And that I'm pretty sure I've met him before. And then I realize I've done more than meet him, we've gone out before. Five years ago.

And one of those times definitely ended with some drunk groping and whatnot. *headdesk*

So...how does one handle this, exactly? Ignore him? See if he's any different than five years ago? Point it out? This is just odd.

On Being a Gal Who Can't Back Down from the Triple-Dog-Dare

This past Monday, the season finale of How I Met Your Mother aired. While it had about nothing to do with the actual plot, there was one scene I found very telling- when Lily, Marshall, and Robin have a telepathic conversation in the bar about convincing Ted that dyeing his hair blond is a good idea. As Marshall says:

"The best way to get Ted to do something is to tell him he shouldn't do it."

So of course they all tell him it would look bad, which prompts Ted to go ahead and do it. And naturally he looks ridiculous, prompting Marshall to utter the incredible line: "What is Ellen DeGeneres doing in our bedroom?!"

But anyway.

It occurred to me that I resemble that remark, a LOT, especially when it comes to guys. A surefire way to get me to chase after you is to verbally declare the futility of my advances. It's like throwing your glove on the table and challenging me to a sword fight.

Yes, I understand how lame that sounds. Just go with it.

Seriously, this one time, about four years ago, a guy I'd hooked up with previously told me that I probably THOUGHT he was going home with me, but that he wouldn't do so even if I asked. Naturally there was booze involved and he was kidding, but that statement drove tipsy me to grab him by his belt loops and say, "Oh, you THINK so?" Or something to that effect.

Now, I'll tell you a little story that will illustrate my latest foray into doing something just because I was told I couldn't. It's a classic tale, really.

Boy meets girl in graduate school. They discover that they grew up about twenty minutes from one another, and that boy's mother was actually one of girl's teachers in sixth grade (and it goes without saying that she remembers girl as a very sweet child, OF COURSE). They graduate and don't see one another really, except at the occasional work-sponsored boozefest professional conference.

Many moons later, boy and girl run into one another again and it turns out they live and work within blocks of one another. So occasionally they hang out. And of course this one time things get kind of interesting- but are forestalled by the boy's assertion that while girl is attractive and all, he just doesn't see himself being interested in her like that. Ever.

And then there was last week. When things got interesting again. But this time they got REALLY interesting.

And I'll admit it, I knew it probably wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had. But I wanted to be RIGHT, damnit. Because I LOVE BEING RIGHT. Love it. Especially when I get to be right in the, "I told you so. You cannot possibly resist me, buddy," kind of way. Hearing him admit he'd been thinking about this very situation for a while felt all kinds of vindicating.

But the problem is that I didn't just get to be right. I mean, I did for a few days, and then all this other stuff started creeping into my head. Like maybe it wasn't about being right. And maybe it actually was pretty great and fun. And maybe I wish it meant something different than what it actually means.

I'm not sorry for the decision I made...I just wish the consequences weren't so confusing.

Single

Ladies and gentlemen, I am single. And I am shocked at the way the whole thing went down. First he tells me he's upset about me getting so upset about him not spending the night and, and me over-reacting. I felt AWFUL, just awful that something that I said could hurt someone. It is never my intention to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about.

Then he tells me he just doesn't think he can make me happy. But I WAS happy. I explained what I want and what I need.

Finally, he gets to the real issue. He wasn't happy. Hasn't been for a while. He was waiting to be sure and for the right time to tell me. Say what? So here I have been talking about about how happy I am. How much I like him. How compatible I thought we were. How I thought we were in a good place. He let me think we were okay. And now to hear him say that he doesn't even like spending time with me and hasn't for a while. So of course I say well if things were okay at some point, I think it's worthwhile to at least try, you are worth at least that to me. Complete and total silence. I am not even worth the words. I'm not worth the words to try to work it out, apparently I wasn't even worth the words it would've taken to talk to me when he first started feeling that way. He didn't even care enough about me to TRY.

Who does that? Who makes someone feel worthless without batting an eyelash? How does someone spend months with someone else and just quit because they just ain't feeling it? How can let someone think you care about them and then turn around and not care enough to try? I am not worthless. I do NOT quit on the people that I care about.

Then he asked me if I was going to be okay. Again: Say what? Who exactly do you think you are that I cannot get over you and move on and be perfectly okay? Yes, I am going to be just fine. With or without you. While I thought I preferred with, you leave me no choice but to go without.

I do admit that I felt uneasy a few times about things. I chalked it up to my trust issues and tried to be up front with him about it. He didn't say anything other than "of course I like you, I wouldn't make time for you if I didn't" and my personal favorite "We all have baggage, I understand. We are not always going to be on the same page. We either work through it or agree to disagree." Not one word about ending things, ever. I really need to start trusting my intuition more.

Straws and Camels

Last week I made a joke with Mr. Patient about having our "first fight." I was wrong, we are currently having our first fight. The frustrating thing about being upset with someone is that an incident occurs, I think that's why I'm upset with them but then as I'm up all night stewing about it, I realize there is a bigger issue that I'm upset about and that one thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

He didn't want to spend the night last night. He came over at 1 a.m. and didn't want to spend the night. He had to know that I was going to assume he was going to spend the night, but rather than tell me up front he waited until after x-rated activities ended. I hog the covers and he can't sleep, he tells me. Okay, but I thought we were kinda working on a relationship here, so if you can't sleep in the same bed as me, we have a problem. I felt like and still feel like a booty call. I didn't think that's what we are and that certainly is not what I want.

Going back even just four hours, there were definitely things that lead up to me being upset. He has a radio show, I have started to listen to it fairly regularly. During the show last night he casually mentioned having written a poem about waking up next to someone you don't care about. I don't think this poem was written recently, but him saying that is now repeating in my head over and over. Have I mentioned he got here at 1am? Are your friends that important that you can't say "hey, I'm going to leave a little early, I want to get over to her house?" Not to mention that apparently I am not interesting enough to follow on Twitter and one of his best friends treats him like a stand in boyfriend and she probably sees him more than I do....so all of this added together did not make for a happy moment when he said "You're going to hate me, but I can't sleep here." To add fuel to the fire, I signed on to the dating website where we met this morning to see if he's been going on lately (stupid, I know). Sure enough, he signed on this morning. Meanwhile, he knows I'm pissed and I won't hear from him because he has a busy day planned.

So what do I make of all of this? It's hard to say. I like him. But it's only been three months. Part of me says, three months is long enough to at least feel like a priority. Maybe I'm wrong. This, right now, is not generally how I feel about him. I think he is amazing and I genuinely am developing feelings for him. I've told him this. A few weeks ago I was having an insecure moment and he asked me what I wanted. I told him. I asked him what he wanted...he never said. I realized this morning that I have no idea what he wants. I was assuming we wanted the same thing. I would think that when I answered the question, if we were way off that he would've said something. Now I'm not so sure and I need to hear him actually tell me what he wants.

There are two things he has repeatedly said: He's busy; and He doesn't get attached as easily because of past situations. Here's the problem: There is a difference between making time for someone and fitting someone in. Right now I'm being "fit-in." I don't like it. Him not getting attached pushes all of my trust issue buttons. The more "unattached" he gets the more I get freaked out about what else is going on. I understand the fear involved in getting hurt and taking risks again, I feel the same way. But at some point you need to push the fear aside, if a relationship is what you really want. What I'm left wondering is this: Does he really want a relationship? Maybe I'm not enough to get him to take the risk?

I am SO MUCH CRAZIER than her.

I have this ex-boyfriend. I mean, don't we all? Actually, if I am to be honest, I have several, but I'm speaking specifically about the last person in my life to hold the title.

It's been nearly two years since we broke up (and I was the dumpee and NOT happy about it at the time, but I am happy about it now, boy howdy). We're on OK terms at this point. I wouldn't say we're friends, but we're friendly. We probably talk 2-3 times per year. He will be moving back to the city where I live this summer, so I'm not sure if we may meet up for coffee more than once a year or if proximity will have no effect on that. I honestly wouldn't care much either way right now.

And yet- today I got an e-mail from him. It's literally the first time either of us has contacted each other since Christmastime. He sent me an article he'd found during some lawyerly research he was doing that related to a place I used to work, which was nice of him. So I replied and at the end I asked if he'd started looking for an apartment here yet.

And right after I hit send, I was immediately hit with a moment of fear- What if he replies with, "Actually my girlfriend and I found a great place..."

This is quite dumb for several reasons.

1. I do not want to date him again, ever.
2. Wouldn't it be nice for him if he has a new girlfriend? I mean, a nice person would be happy for him.
3. If he has a new girlfriend before I have a new boyfriend, it does not mean he wins, nor does it mean that I am inferior in any way.

It's number three that is hardest to remember, and that is the reason for my fear. Because while rationally I know it's true, but I am slightly crazy. Or maybe very crazy. You know? It would still make me feel bad, if only for a short while. And I'd have to think about how I was probably SO MUCH PRETTIER than her. Worthwhile pursuits, all!

He just replied. Didn't mention a girlfriend, either.

Triggers

According to my old text books, emotional triggers are things that remind you of something in the past and you feel the same way you did then. For example, a positive emotional trigger for me…Oreos. My great-grandmother always had them at her house when I was little. She didn’t speak English, we couldn’t have a conversation, but I spent hours in her kitchen eating Oreos and milk. When I see Oreos I think of her and feel loved and happy.

I could easily list a host of positive triggers that remind me of the people I love and who love me. I also have plenty of negative triggers. I avoid a certain Massachusetts town, and major highway for that matter. A lot of my triggers are songs. Every significant person in my life has a song. Sometimes their song changes, depending on how my relationship with them changes. Most songs remind me of someone.

Today, I discovered a new negative trigger that I wasn’t aware of. The Red Sox. Yes, my favorite baseball team, also has potential to make me feel like I got kicked in the stomach, well…maybe it isn’t the Red Sox. The guy that I’ve praising the last few blogs knows someone who has tickets to a Sox game. He asked if I was free, but I have a work thing that I can’t/don’t want to miss. All of a sudden, I got really emotional, felt really insecure and got scared. What? Because I can’t go to a game?! It’s never about the game…

Summer of 2003. My ex and I had been dating for few months. He asked me to go to a Sox game. I couldn’t go. My roommate was free and she ended up going with him. We had all known each other for a while, this was a common occurrence for one or all of us to go to events together. Because they were headed into the city early, I had told him I would stop by his place after my work event to let his dog out.

I got to his house, I walked up the stairs, the dog came running…and so did the ex. Naked. He starts screaming at me What the f*** are you doing here? You are crazy! I could not even find the words to explain that I was there to let the dog out, like we had talked about. I couldn’t talk or move for what seemed like forever (I’m sure it was only five seconds). In those moments I retraced my steps walking in and realized that both his car and my roommate’s car were parked outside. Still without saying a word, I pushed past him and walked into his bedroom. Someone was hiding under the covers. He walked in behind me and said don’t bother hiding, she knows you’re here. She never had the balls to uncover her face. She also never said a single word.

I turned around to leave and he followed after me giving me a “it’s not what you think” speech. In that moment, I finally opened my mouth and everything came rushing out. I don’t remember the words spoken or who said what but I remember what I was feeling. The room was spinning. My head was spinning. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I was panicked and couldn’t think. I thought I was dying. I was hot, literally. I remember him begging me to be quiet and I only got louder. I’m sure what was coming out of my mouth didn’t even make sense. It was like The scene from The Exorcist.

I couldn’t trust what I thought was the purest of relationships (I’m talking about her, not him here). My roommate, my best friend was having sex with my boyfriend, my other best friend and I WALKED IN ON THEM. To this day, I do not know if they even went to the game and/or why they weren’t in Boston. Life as I knew it, changed that day. That is when I started mistrusting not just men, but friends. That’s when I started to question everything. I packed up everything the next day and moved in with my parents. There’s a long story that follows, and I wish I could say I ended it then and there, but I didn’t. Suffice it to say; that was only the beginning.

I have come a long way since then: Older, wiser and stronger. I have also gone to plenty of games since then. I’m choosing to not let all of the emotions triggered control me, it’s not as hard as you would think. It’s funny how the past comes back to remind you where you’ve been.

I do not think it means what you think it means.

As proof that we can always count on the internet for entertainment, I give you a recent message I received on a dating site:

i really MUST say.......

Apr. 18, 2010 – 11:44am

you know, most girls today think they have to be so macho and everything because of feminism and stuff. it's great to see a girl around here who's not afraid to actually express herself and be a girl! you look like you are a very confident woman, and is not afraid to show the world who she is and assert herself. so you get two coolness points from me for that. so are you interesting? we should totally have some stimulating conversation. hit me back soon.

What say you, readers? Did he actually mean to ask if I was "interesting"? Or was he aiming for "interested"? What about me, I wonder, makes me seem unafraid to "be a girl"? And most importantly, is he for real?

Oh, and do I ignore him or send him back the link to some information about what feminism actually is, because I'm kinda bored? Discuss.

Slumber Party!

Mr. Patient (formerly T&A guy) and I have had our first sleep over. We have been having sex for a while, but our schedules, geography and modes of commuting just have not allowed it to happen prior to now. We spent a whopping 20 hours together and I didn't get annoyed.

I realize it isn't the sleeping part that is difficult it's the other 12 hours. We went shopping together, made dinner together and baked together. It was so easy. The biggest issue was him already picking up on my OCD-tendencies and need for order. He was purposely messing up displays in stores, just to watch me put them back together (and watch my "cut the shit" look). If that's the worst thing that could happen, I'll take it. For the sake of good blog material, I wish it was a bit more exciting, but it wasn't...All is still well in NoBridget's world

xx NB

Awkward Pause

Recently, I had yet another first date. The thing that was different about this first date was that I was actually kind of excited for it. I'd been seriously considering a hiatus, since I approached most dates these days with all the enthusiasm one usually has for major dental work sans anesthetic- but just before I went off the grid this guy contacted me. And lo and behold, he was funny and interesting. And so, a date.

We had a nice time getting coffee, walking around outside since the weather was nice, and having a great conversation...and then after about an hour and a half he said something along the lines of, "Well, I'm heading this way, and you have to go that way to get home, right? It was good meeting you; I'll be in touch."

It was 7:30.

I walked toward the subway feeling disappointed. I'd had somewhat high hopes for this one, and it seemed like he didn't like me all that much. At least, any other time a date has ended that way, the guy has pretty much never been "in touch" again.

So I was very pleasantly surprised when he DID get in touch, just a couple of hours later. It seems he had a good time but wasn't sure what to do at the end, and he feared he'd made things awkward. I told him I was game for a do-over if he was.

So...do-over to commence in four hours.

Baby Steps

Well T&A guy, who will be now dubbed Mr. Patient, had an interesting conversation last night. There are few things I know for sure, one of them is: Once two people have sex, there is a period of time that is all they talk about/think about: When can we? How can we? How many times can we? I wonder if s/he likes _______?

I happen to think this is normal. Sex brings up all sorts of stuff for people and let's be honest-if you have healthy ideas about sex and/or a healthy relationship with sex, you enjoy it, you want to have it. So, when there is someone you can have it with, all the better! You want to explore and get to know that person on a different level and have a pleasurable experience.

But as has already been established, I am a shade crazy. It actually wasn't that bad this time, I promise. But I did cringe, a bit. Back story: I'm out of town for work, so we've been texting/IMing a lot this week. We were IMing and being flirty (healthy new relationship stuff, right?) and all of a sudden, I got really concerned that we were becoming just "f*** buddies."

Oh dear readers, I'll answer that question in your head: No, he had not done anything to make me think that, other than talk about what he wanted to do the next time we see each other. If there was anything I learned from our last go-round with my particular brand of crazy it's that he is willing to deal with it. So I asked: I'm not trying to have the "talk" but I just want to make sure my head is in the right place. We aren't "just f****ing" are we? He didn't miss a beat: Totally okay to ask that. I didn't think we were, did you?

Good news: Mr. Patient and I have taken a baby step. Bad news: I'm still freakin' crazy!

xxNB

Lost Baggage Returned

The good news: T&A Guy and I are still seeing each other. Bad news: I am crazy. We had our first bump in the road yesterday. We made it out alive, with only minor heart-scrapes and ego-bruising.

Somehow I had convinced myself that he was no longer interested. There were a lot of reasons for this, most of which were all about ME and my DB baggage. I don't have the energy to go into the details. Besides, the lesson in it for me was not about me and T&A guy as much as it was about how much my last relationship screwed with my head.

On the surface I would say: Of course! All relationships have an impact in some way, but I'm OVER IT! I swear, I am over him. I don't think about him. I don't want to be with him. I don't even have a suspicion about what is going on in his life. I'm not so sure I am over IT. Wouldn't you know that bastard's voice and words were on a constant repeat in my head yesterday: You're too needy; You expect too much; I won't make time for you; You aren't enough; How you feel doesn't matter.

Upon realizing what was happening, I had a mini-meltdown. Not because of the issue at hand, but because I was still letting ex-DB get to me. Why would I still be giving him that much power? Why wasn't I long past this? I'm not sure I've completely figured out the answers to those questions. I think it has a lot to do with building up new experiences to replace the old.

I've got to give T&A guy credit. He was a trooper. He took it and looked at it and said that he wanted to know how I felt about all of it and even said we would work through it. He's going to outgrow his T&A guy tittle to Mr. Patient fairly soon.

I sent the baggage back this morning. I told them I didn't need it anymore.

xxNB

P.S. I need to thank Queen of Spades and our Texan Bride for talking me off the emotional roller coaster and interpreting things in a way a non-crazy person would, over a lunch of mashed potatoes.

No Time for Losers

If there's anything we've all heard from the time we were little kids, it's "Always try your best." No one ever said, "Just do the minimum," or, "A C+ is fine, it's average!" Never was it anyone's goal to be mediocre. But lately, at least in terms of dating, I am the champion.

The mediocre date is sort of okay. He's attractive, but not outstandingly so or not in a way that is particularly interesting to you. He's not socially awkward or boring, but doesn't have that great a personality either. He's not a jerk, but he's not notably charming or polite. In the beginning he'll seem interesting, but after an hour or so you're wishing you could be at home watching TV. In short...meh.

At the end of the mediocre date, you'll probably get a generic hug and you'll promise to keep in touch. Either both of you will "forget" to call again, or one of you will think, "Hey, maybe I just need another chance to really warm up to this person!" and you'll end up on a second mediocre date, which will be followed by...neither of you calling the other again. And because it was mediocre, you won't care. It won't be one of those situations where you get annoyed that he never called or you wonder what you did wrong. You just won't give a crap.

It's making me think that maybe it's time for a hiatus of sorts, because championing mediocrity is ironically hard work. I'm not sure what needs to change, but something does. It feels like it's been a long time since I've been excited about anybody.

I'm Smitten. Crap.

Oh dearest readers, I think I'm in trouble. Date #2 with T&A guy last night. Dinner and a comedy show. He introduced me to a few friends, they seemed really nice. And like last time-he is super easy to talk to and fun/easy to be around. So the end of the night comes around and it's a little awkward. He made a joke about how he's scarred for life about some girl in high school that he made a move on and she rejected him. Of course I get stupid at this point and don't know what to say or do. I said something completely silly about him not making me initiate the next date like I did this one, then we hugged goodbye.

I walked into my house thinking that I was quite possibly the most awkward 36 year-old in the universe and I was going to be single forever. Once again feeling confused: I thought he was interested, but didn't make a move blah, blah, self-esteem, blah, body image, blah. About 45 minutes later, while unable to get to sleep IT happened, I got the following text: Hey sleepyhead, can you read this? I want to see you again. Sooner than two weeks. I'm an easy sell, clearly.

There have been a few more emails and texts today, that are not the least bit "hard to read" and he happens to think that he is also in "trouble," but I'll keep them to myself (they are also not the least bit in the "sexting" category, you pervs.) So, yeah, I'm smitten and nervous as all get out. I'll save the nerves for another blog...I'm just going to enjoy the feeling for today.

xxNB

Three's a Crowd

In a moment of procrastination I just logged into a dating website I use, you know, just to see if anything needed my attention. As it happened, I had a new message. I was a little confused when I went to my inbox and the photo next to the subject line was of a woman. And then I started reading and, well, it got interesting.

Because, you see, it was from a woman- who was writing on behalf of herself and her male partner.

We are a fun, open-minded, professional couple (also safe, sane, D/D free, exclusive) who appreciate drama-free fun....We'd like to exchange e-mails, maybe chat over instant messenger, and if the chemistry is right, meet for a drink (after voice verifying by phone, of course) and take it from there. If you like what you're reading and seeing, drop an e-mail back and tell us a little more about you.

Um...wow. I'm not sure what I think about that right now, except that I'm surprised. And I guess slightly flattered? I'm not necessarily interested in that sort of thing, but to each their own, right? And it was certainly an interesting surprise on an otherwise mundane afternoon.

Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat

I have had a revelation. One brought on by procrastination and snow-dreaming, but a revelation nonetheless.

I am totally boring.

Oh, OK, not TOTALLY. I mean, some people actually think I'm kind of funny (you know, like my mom). But I have realized I have a pattern. it goes approximately like this:

Phase 1: Meet and date a guy I find very attractive, and marvel at our great and nearly instant chemistry.

Phase 2: Guy falls off face of planet; I get bummed. Am slightly buoyed by offer of date with another guy.

Phase 3: Go on date with new guy, who is Very Nice. Notice that I am not very attracted to him, but figure I'll keep trying till I'm sure, because he is Very Nice, after all.

Phase 4: Begin to feel exhausted from trying so hard to become magically attracted to Very Nice guy. Stop seeing him.

Phase 5: Whine about having no dates; eat popcorn in gratuitous quantities.

I have some thinking to do about my pattern, of course. Especially since I'm somewhere around Phase 3 right now (which, in South Park world, is "Profit"- if only that were the case here, am I right?). I am hoping I can break the pattern this time, while simultaneously fearing that in about three weeks I'll throw my hands up in frustration and go back to dating Orville Redenbacher until Phase 1 starts again.

Hard to Read?

Good news: I'm back from my first date with the T&A guy. I actually really enjoyed myself. I like him. I like him not only because he's a T&A guy, but because he's funny, laid back and talks A LOT (I don't talk a lot, it makes for good balance and no awkward silences).

Bad news: Two things, actually...I still hate dating. I prefer the comfort of a relationship. I know this is partly my fault. I would rather go on 100 job interviews vs. one first date. I know I'm good at my job and I can "sell" myself as an employee. However, I have such a hard time selling myself as a person/mate. So silly, I know. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but my head takes over, then the stomach follows suit and I make myself crazy. Typically, once I get there and the date begins, I'm fine...it's the build up and the thoughts after that make me feel like I'm in high school again.

The other bit of bad news, which is kind of good news insight-wise-he was hard to read. That is feedback that I get, a lot. I now get it and I am a bit more understanding of how frustrating that is. I honestly have no idea if he enjoyed himself. I could not read him at all. I mean, he was pleasant, laughed, talked, asked questions...but as far as weather or not he wants to see me again-I have no clue. Usually I have a pretty good idea. I'm trying not to over-analyze too much. Time to go meditate...

In Which I Pray for the Floor to Open Up and Swallow Me

Last night I had a date. A first date. What seemed like approximately the 867th first date I've been on. It's becoming quite the habit.

It was going pretty well, actually. We were having a good time talking, an easy time keeping the conversation going...and then it happened. I, the woman who is not prone to spitting while talking, manages to lob the teeniest bit of saliva DIRECTLY ONTO HIS FOREHEAD.

I was horrified. What should I do? Do I acknowledge it, or pretend I didn't notice? For whatever reason my instincts were screaming "JUST KEEP TALKING!" so I did. He sort of casually wiped it off...and then kept touching the same spot for the next five minutes or so, repeatedly. OH, THE HUMILIATION. And of course all I could think of was this episode of Sex and the City, and how in a later scene poor Miranda is shown reading in bed, hours later, still wiping her face with a tissue over and over. (Warning, link is VERY NSFW)

Luckily he seemed not to really care. If we go out again I'll be trying my best to control my saliva.

I'm actually looking forward to a date

I am openly not a fan of dating. I find it a necessary means to an end. But, friends, remember this guy? I like to call him T&A guy. He never responded to my wink back then. However, while getting acquainted with a new site he winked at me. I would recognize that paragraph anywhere. The first phone call is in the books and I must say: He is very funny and has a great voice. The first date is Sunday. I'm giddy for a few reasons: I haven't had a date since date #2 with the Port Prince; he made me laugh more than once today; and it's the first time in a while that I have been EXCITED about a date. I'm not getting my hopes up...okay fine, I kinda am.

Resolve Shaken, not Stirred

Today I got a last-minute invite to a joint birthday party for some former coworkers. I was excited to be going out, having spent all of last night on the couch alone. Well, it was just me and a tub of guacamole and Stacy and Clinton. But, you know, not the same as a night out. The first hour or so was uneventful and pretty fun- I got to catch up with some people I hadn't seen in a while, which is always nice.

And then, literally minutes after I'd been proudly telling my friend P about the end of my December affair and how it was SO NOT A BIG DEAL, said affair walked in the door. It had briefly crossed my mind that he may be there, but I hadn't really taken the idea seriously. And immediately I fel like I was going to barf on P's shoes.

And also immediately, I felt ashamed. Why was I having such a strong reaction to something I'd just been laughing about five minutes before? Hadn't I made peace with the situation? I thought so, but...now I was getting all kinds of pissed that he had seemed to walk right by without saying hello.

And just as I was about to go and seek him out myself, he came over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "Wow, your hair looks great." And then I became I puddle of useless Jell-O. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

In the end, it was actually a good thing, We talked for a bit, and actually TALKED about how things had ended up and that neither of us was super happy about that. Not that we want to go back to what we were doing- I personally know that he can't really give me the relationship I want right now, and that it'd be foolish to go in that direction at this point. But I am feeling a bit more hopeful that we may be able to be friends, hang out occasionally, whatever.

That and I was thinking THANK GOD I DID MY HAIR TONIGHT.

Anthropology

My friend M has been making some extra money on the side hosting events for an event planning company for a while, and when she had to back out of a recent Speed Dating event, she asked me if I could step in. I agreed, since I'd never been to one before myself- I was curious to see what it was like.

The day before the event, I got e-mails from the event planner with instructions and materials. I showed up at the venue feeling a bit nervous, but pretty well-prepared. That was, until...

"Hi. I'm here to host the speed dating event tonight."
"Um...I don't know anything about that."
*blink, blink* "It's supposed to be here at 7PM...?"

Once he called the manager and confirmed that there was, in fact, an event there tonight, I felt a bit better. That was, until he showed me the "VIP room" where the event would take place, and it was a shoebox. A shoebox where I was supposed to set up fifteen tables with chairs on either side of them, leaving enough room for people to move around. Riiiight.

So I did what any person who doesn't want to piss off the people who paid $25 for this would do- I improvised. And luckily not everyone showed, so the grand total was eight women and seven men and we all juuuuust fit.

I was to let them rotate for five-minute "dates" and then have them move on, turning in a card at the end where they checked "yes" or "no" to say whether they'd like to contact each potential match later. Pretty simple, really. And it was- but I did get to observe some interesting things.

1. I'd rate the men who participated, on average, to be less conventionally attractive and more shy/quiet than the women, with a couple notable exceptions.

2. While there was a posted age range for the event, one woman was much closer to the high end than the others, and she did get fewer matches than the younger woman. One man even noted her age on his card.

3.The most conventionally attractive man in the group got two mutual matches. The man who seemed the friendliest got five.

4. One of the men, who acted like he was too cool for school from the first minute he was there, got no mutual matches, and the women who talked to me at the end thought he was creepy and seemed like a jerk.

All in all it went well, people seemed to enjoy themselves, and no one looked like they had a hard time talking to each other. It's probably something I'll try myself someday...but with another company, at another bar. I like my space.

Will Ditch When Provoked

Two Saturdays ago I was arriving home a shade late from a birthday party for a friend's daughter. I had a first date with a new guy I'd been introduced to via the interwebs, and I was looking forward to it since our e-mail exchange had been pretty fun and he seemed like someone I would get along with. I was feeling a little apprehensive, though, when I texted him to say I might be a few minutes late meeting him and his reply was:

"You're a woman. Fifteen minutes late is five minutes early to you anyway."

*blink, blink* Oh REALLY?

I didn't like the tone of that at all, but I let it slide because I hadn't met him yet, and texting isn't exactly the best medium for conveying nuance and subtlety. And we ended up having a nice time, even though by the end of the date I was in the throes of a full-on head cold. I got a nice message from him a couple days later, inquiring about how I was feeling. So when I talked to him again Thursday, I was interested in seeing when we could get together again.

When we spoke Thursday, he invited me to meet him and some of his friends later that night. I declined, since I had dinner plans and I wasn't quite over my cold, and since I already had plans to go out the next night and wanted to conserve my energy. At first, when I got a couple of texts during the evening, I thought it was cute. You know, stuff like, "Too bad you're not here, they're giving out free beers to girls with your name!" But after a few I got kind of tired of it. So, I said thanks, but I really feel like I should get a good night's sleep. And that was where it got sort of interesting:

Him: Fine, you win.
Me: Since when is someone winning? I'm just not up for it tonight. I'll be out tomorrow night if you and your friends feel like meeting up for a bit. (And here I named the bar we planned to go to.)
Him: I'll tell you where you can find me.
Me: Oh? Because I thought I just told you where you could find me.
Him: That was tonight. Tomorrow you can track me down.

And that was when I had to put my phone down and walk away from it for a few minutes, because that little exchange pissed me off. I mean, really? So after I cooled off I replied and said I hoped he had a nice night. And he came back with some joke about me being cold and then said he'd see me tomorrow. And I was hoping not.

When he asked me about my plans for the evening Friday, I consulted the Queen for advice. She said I should tell him where we'd be but make it clear that he AND HIS FRIENDS were welcome to meet up with us. And so I did. But when they came to the bar we were at, it was...awkward. He hung out over at the bar and didn't come over to our table. He texted me to tell me to come to the bar and see him (which I did only when I needed to visit the restroom). He kept pressing my friends to find out "who was in charge" and where we'd be going next. He made fun of my outfit. I was not pleased.

See, I don't think he was actually intending to be rude. I think his idea of funny involves provoking people, and trying to see if he can get them to feel a little uncomfortable. And if he was someone I already knew, I might find that kind of funny. But in this situation, it just made me feel like I wanted to get the hell out.

So, when my friends decided to go, I went with them, after telling him that I wasn't comfortable staying out alone with him and his friends (because frankly, me plus five guys I don't know? Bad idea!). And his incredibly mature response? "OK, well have a good night, I GUESS." And then when I was on my way home, I got ANOTHER text. "What just happened?"

Well, you proved yourself to be kind of a creep and I ditched you, actually.

Free Agency- it's not just for guys anymore!

Last weekend I got a phone call I wasn't expecting. A certain young man, who really ticked me off right before the holidays, was back in town and called me to "finish our conversation". He seemed surprised when I told him I hadn't expected to hear from him at all, and he said, "But...you don't just leave a conversation like that hanging!" When I pointed out that he HAD, at least for a week and change, it seemed to register. So...that was sort of encouraging.

He went on to say this...well, it's sort of paraphrased, but you get the idea:

Him: "I really like hanging out with you, and I want to keep doing that, but...I feel weird about the sex part. You're like, only the third person I've been with, and it feels weird doing that when we're not technically committed."

Me: (frantically doing mental math to see how many you get when you divide my number by three) "Oh, I totally understand that, and we can dial that part back, no problem."

So then we agree to hang out later that evening. And of course the making out starts. And then I, in an uncharacteristic show of restraint, said:

"Maybe we should stop for now. I should be getting home."

And wouldn't you know, suddenly that DIDN'T seem like such a great idea to him, even as he told me he's "feeling bad that he's thinking of seeing other people" and isn't sure he wants to commit to me...and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Imagine his surprise when I said:

"Actually, I'm seeing other people. And it's fine with me if we still go out, if he have sex, don't have sex, whatever. Either this goes somewhere or it doesn't."

The fact that I was kind of indifferent/totally accommodating and not biting his head off seemed to be too much for his brain to absorb. Seriously. So anyway...we'll see. At this point I doubt we have much long-term potential, but I'll certainly take advantage of the great sex while I date around. Because after all, what's good for the goose...