Hard to Read?

Good news: I'm back from my first date with the T&A guy. I actually really enjoyed myself. I like him. I like him not only because he's a T&A guy, but because he's funny, laid back and talks A LOT (I don't talk a lot, it makes for good balance and no awkward silences).

Bad news: Two things, actually...I still hate dating. I prefer the comfort of a relationship. I know this is partly my fault. I would rather go on 100 job interviews vs. one first date. I know I'm good at my job and I can "sell" myself as an employee. However, I have such a hard time selling myself as a person/mate. So silly, I know. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but my head takes over, then the stomach follows suit and I make myself crazy. Typically, once I get there and the date begins, I'm fine...it's the build up and the thoughts after that make me feel like I'm in high school again.

The other bit of bad news, which is kind of good news insight-wise-he was hard to read. That is feedback that I get, a lot. I now get it and I am a bit more understanding of how frustrating that is. I honestly have no idea if he enjoyed himself. I could not read him at all. I mean, he was pleasant, laughed, talked, asked questions...but as far as weather or not he wants to see me again-I have no clue. Usually I have a pretty good idea. I'm trying not to over-analyze too much. Time to go meditate...

Resolve Shaken, not Stirred

Today I got a last-minute invite to a joint birthday party for some former coworkers. I was excited to be going out, having spent all of last night on the couch alone. Well, it was just me and a tub of guacamole and Stacy and Clinton. But, you know, not the same as a night out. The first hour or so was uneventful and pretty fun- I got to catch up with some people I hadn't seen in a while, which is always nice.

And then, literally minutes after I'd been proudly telling my friend P about the end of my December affair and how it was SO NOT A BIG DEAL, said affair walked in the door. It had briefly crossed my mind that he may be there, but I hadn't really taken the idea seriously. And immediately I fel like I was going to barf on P's shoes.

And also immediately, I felt ashamed. Why was I having such a strong reaction to something I'd just been laughing about five minutes before? Hadn't I made peace with the situation? I thought so, but...now I was getting all kinds of pissed that he had seemed to walk right by without saying hello.

And just as I was about to go and seek him out myself, he came over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "Wow, your hair looks great." And then I became I puddle of useless Jell-O. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

In the end, it was actually a good thing, We talked for a bit, and actually TALKED about how things had ended up and that neither of us was super happy about that. Not that we want to go back to what we were doing- I personally know that he can't really give me the relationship I want right now, and that it'd be foolish to go in that direction at this point. But I am feeling a bit more hopeful that we may be able to be friends, hang out occasionally, whatever.

That and I was thinking THANK GOD I DID MY HAIR TONIGHT.