What It's Like Out There

This post is dedicated to all of those folks who have said:

"You must hear from at least SOME nice guys."
"I bet the problem is that you're being too picky."
"You're so (smart, funny, attractive, etc.), you shouldn't have a problem."

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the highlights from my online dating universe, circa yesterday.

Bachelor #1 would like to help me avoid looking like I have a case of The Gay:
"I'm XXXX, What can I say to you in an email that some guy hasn't already said. How can I stand out from all the other yahoos (guys) on this site. Yeah I called them yahoos, I checked out some of the guys profiles, later found that to be a mistake because I showed up in there who viewed me. Lucky none of them felt compelled to contact me. It would have been awkward. About me, sense of humor, check. I can laugh at my self. Love to cook more than being cooked for. I have a curios nature and am always trying to learn and figure things out. I have a great family and many of my friends agree. I have great friends, don't take my word for it, ask them they will tell you they are great friends. Okay, this is starting to feel like a resume, that what my profile is for. So I leave you with this advice, don't check out profiles of the same sex unless that is something that you are into."

Bachelor #2 would like me to recognize his 40 years of experience.

"Hi beaty I have 40, I would like to meet you before get41. You are so BEATIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bachelor #3...well, I can't tell you much about him except that he checks me out three or four times a day, and also checks out my roommate's profile- which we figured out has photos of me as well.

So yeah, I guess I'm picky, because this kind of stuff isn't doing it for me.

No Time for Losers

If there's anything we've all heard from the time we were little kids, it's "Always try your best." No one ever said, "Just do the minimum," or, "A C+ is fine, it's average!" Never was it anyone's goal to be mediocre. But lately, at least in terms of dating, I am the champion.

The mediocre date is sort of okay. He's attractive, but not outstandingly so or not in a way that is particularly interesting to you. He's not socially awkward or boring, but doesn't have that great a personality either. He's not a jerk, but he's not notably charming or polite. In the beginning he'll seem interesting, but after an hour or so you're wishing you could be at home watching TV. In short...meh.

At the end of the mediocre date, you'll probably get a generic hug and you'll promise to keep in touch. Either both of you will "forget" to call again, or one of you will think, "Hey, maybe I just need another chance to really warm up to this person!" and you'll end up on a second mediocre date, which will be followed by...neither of you calling the other again. And because it was mediocre, you won't care. It won't be one of those situations where you get annoyed that he never called or you wonder what you did wrong. You just won't give a crap.

It's making me think that maybe it's time for a hiatus of sorts, because championing mediocrity is ironically hard work. I'm not sure what needs to change, but something does. It feels like it's been a long time since I've been excited about anybody.

Resolutions

On the 24th of December, I turned thirty. Earlier on in the year I was feeling kind of odd about it and giving it the kind of credence it didn't really deserve (as in, worrying about all the stuff I hadn't done yet), but by the time Thursday rolled around I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Because really, what else are you gonna do?

I had a good day by choice. Because, you see, a certain person who was sounding all super awesome the last time I wrote for you lovely people did something the day before my birthday that just pissed me off. He has this inability to pick up a phone and call me, which I find terribly unattractive, despite so many of his other great qualities. And while I was pretty upset for a short while, I decided not to be anymore. I wasn't going to let someone else's actions get in the way of me having a good birthday and Christmas, damn it. And that was how I decided on my first resolution.

I'm not necessarily big on New Year's Resolutions, but I do like to take stock every year on my birthday (which admittedly is only a week before the new year) and think about how I can do something different in the coming year. And so the very first one was that in my thirty-first year, I will not succumb to the urge to take to my bed when some evil male wrongs me. The second was that when someone is unable to meet a basic need/request/whatever of mine (you know, like "Hey, can I NOT always be the one to initiate everything?), I'm done. Of course this depends on what my expectation is and what the relationship is, but in this case, I'm all set. I will not waste my time.

I have other stuff to do this week. Like a date with a guy who produces shows for the National Geographic channel. Doesn't that sound so much more interesting?

Rhymes with "Mouchebag" *

Last night I spent a couple of hours at a favorite bar with my friend A, watching the game. We were marveling at how many men there were in the place, and in particular we'd noticed a group of them standing close by who were kinda cute. At least, they were at first.

I was closest and could hear everything they were talking about, and in this case that wasn't a good thing.

"You know XXXX at work? You think she's got fake tits? I bet she's fucked XXXX. I hear she's fucked a ton of guys."

"My girl better be getting hit on wherever we go. If I'm dating a girl and she's not getting hit on every fuckin' place we go, I'm dating the wrong girl."

The one saying most of this stuff was married, by the by. And at some point he leaned over to me and said, "Sorry if we're being kind of vulgar. I don't know how much of our conversation you can hear."

"Don't worry, I can hear everything."

"Oh, we're just being assholes. Actually I am an asshole, and I just put it right out there."

Well, at least he's honest, I suppose. His wife must be proud.

*Credit for this title goes to Entertainment Weekly via my friend L, who saw the phrase used recently to describe Jon Gosselin. Seemed fitting here as well.