Blast from the recent past

I recently created a new profile on the dating website I've been on. I did it because I was linked up on the former boy's profile (bad choice, on my part) and women were checking me out and one asked for a reference on him. Bottom line is: I don't want to see or know who he's talking to or dating. I tried to let him know, but since he had blocked emails from me, he didn't get the message I sent. I made the grown up decision to just start over (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back for not going batshit crazy and messaging this poor woman back).

The new profile has been up since Thursday, maybe Friday. There is this silly star-rating system on the website where people can rate you. If someone rates you 4 or more stars, you get an email stating "one of these 9 people rated you..." Well imagine my surprise when he was one of the 9 people. I figured it was just a coincidence and it was actually one of the other 8 that had rated me. Then I go to see who has looked at my profile and there he is (and none of the other 8 have). Now this website is set up that if two people rate each other with 4 or 5 stars, you get an email saying "we rated each other 4 or 5 stars!" So of course I rated him 4 stars knowing I would get an email if he also did. Sure enough, I get the email...

Now, here is the thought process: WTF did he seriously not recognize me? He saw me naked for three months and didn't realize that was me? I mean, if he did know it was me, there is no way he would've given me four+ stars. He hates me! I'm sure you get the drift. I ventured into crazy town for a bit. As we all know, I can't leave well enough alone so I send him a message: LOL I'm assuming you didn't realize it was me. Got a good laugh out of it, though (again, patting myself on the back for not being batshit crazy). At that point I had to let it go. I assumed he wouldn't respond and we would both just go on our merry way, each pretending the other doesn't exist.

He responded. I literally had to count to 100 and breathe before reading his response because I thought for sure I was going to get blasted by him (Remember: his last words to me were that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was crazy, disturbed, etc.). Basically, he knew it was me, thought I looked "great" blah, blah. I explained why I had the need for a new profile and he was apologetic and immediately removed my old profile link from his profile (not that it matters now). We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. It was actually nice to not feel like I was on the defensive.

I do admit, the last 24 hours I've been thinking about him a lot. I'm not naïve enough to think anything has or will change or that we will rekindle anything. Hell, I don't even think we'll communicate again. The issues that we had are probably still there. However, I do miss him. I think we both said and did things out of anger and frustration that we wouldn't have done/said under normal circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him...he was a total ass and has yet to apologize. It's just nice to know that we can both move past it and as I said to him "not still be drinking pints of bitter."

Slumber Party!

Mr. Patient (formerly T&A guy) and I have had our first sleep over. We have been having sex for a while, but our schedules, geography and modes of commuting just have not allowed it to happen prior to now. We spent a whopping 20 hours together and I didn't get annoyed.

I realize it isn't the sleeping part that is difficult it's the other 12 hours. We went shopping together, made dinner together and baked together. It was so easy. The biggest issue was him already picking up on my OCD-tendencies and need for order. He was purposely messing up displays in stores, just to watch me put them back together (and watch my "cut the shit" look). If that's the worst thing that could happen, I'll take it. For the sake of good blog material, I wish it was a bit more exciting, but it wasn't...All is still well in NoBridget's world

xx NB

Baby Steps

Well T&A guy, who will be now dubbed Mr. Patient, had an interesting conversation last night. There are few things I know for sure, one of them is: Once two people have sex, there is a period of time that is all they talk about/think about: When can we? How can we? How many times can we? I wonder if s/he likes _______?

I happen to think this is normal. Sex brings up all sorts of stuff for people and let's be honest-if you have healthy ideas about sex and/or a healthy relationship with sex, you enjoy it, you want to have it. So, when there is someone you can have it with, all the better! You want to explore and get to know that person on a different level and have a pleasurable experience.

But as has already been established, I am a shade crazy. It actually wasn't that bad this time, I promise. But I did cringe, a bit. Back story: I'm out of town for work, so we've been texting/IMing a lot this week. We were IMing and being flirty (healthy new relationship stuff, right?) and all of a sudden, I got really concerned that we were becoming just "f*** buddies."

Oh dear readers, I'll answer that question in your head: No, he had not done anything to make me think that, other than talk about what he wanted to do the next time we see each other. If there was anything I learned from our last go-round with my particular brand of crazy it's that he is willing to deal with it. So I asked: I'm not trying to have the "talk" but I just want to make sure my head is in the right place. We aren't "just f****ing" are we? He didn't miss a beat: Totally okay to ask that. I didn't think we were, did you?

Good news: Mr. Patient and I have taken a baby step. Bad news: I'm still freakin' crazy!

xxNB

Lost Baggage Returned

The good news: T&A Guy and I are still seeing each other. Bad news: I am crazy. We had our first bump in the road yesterday. We made it out alive, with only minor heart-scrapes and ego-bruising.

Somehow I had convinced myself that he was no longer interested. There were a lot of reasons for this, most of which were all about ME and my DB baggage. I don't have the energy to go into the details. Besides, the lesson in it for me was not about me and T&A guy as much as it was about how much my last relationship screwed with my head.

On the surface I would say: Of course! All relationships have an impact in some way, but I'm OVER IT! I swear, I am over him. I don't think about him. I don't want to be with him. I don't even have a suspicion about what is going on in his life. I'm not so sure I am over IT. Wouldn't you know that bastard's voice and words were on a constant repeat in my head yesterday: You're too needy; You expect too much; I won't make time for you; You aren't enough; How you feel doesn't matter.

Upon realizing what was happening, I had a mini-meltdown. Not because of the issue at hand, but because I was still letting ex-DB get to me. Why would I still be giving him that much power? Why wasn't I long past this? I'm not sure I've completely figured out the answers to those questions. I think it has a lot to do with building up new experiences to replace the old.

I've got to give T&A guy credit. He was a trooper. He took it and looked at it and said that he wanted to know how I felt about all of it and even said we would work through it. He's going to outgrow his T&A guy tittle to Mr. Patient fairly soon.

I sent the baggage back this morning. I told them I didn't need it anymore.

xxNB

P.S. I need to thank Queen of Spades and our Texan Bride for talking me off the emotional roller coaster and interpreting things in a way a non-crazy person would, over a lunch of mashed potatoes.

I'm Smitten. Crap.

Oh dearest readers, I think I'm in trouble. Date #2 with T&A guy last night. Dinner and a comedy show. He introduced me to a few friends, they seemed really nice. And like last time-he is super easy to talk to and fun/easy to be around. So the end of the night comes around and it's a little awkward. He made a joke about how he's scarred for life about some girl in high school that he made a move on and she rejected him. Of course I get stupid at this point and don't know what to say or do. I said something completely silly about him not making me initiate the next date like I did this one, then we hugged goodbye.

I walked into my house thinking that I was quite possibly the most awkward 36 year-old in the universe and I was going to be single forever. Once again feeling confused: I thought he was interested, but didn't make a move blah, blah, self-esteem, blah, body image, blah. About 45 minutes later, while unable to get to sleep IT happened, I got the following text: Hey sleepyhead, can you read this? I want to see you again. Sooner than two weeks. I'm an easy sell, clearly.

There have been a few more emails and texts today, that are not the least bit "hard to read" and he happens to think that he is also in "trouble," but I'll keep them to myself (they are also not the least bit in the "sexting" category, you pervs.) So, yeah, I'm smitten and nervous as all get out. I'll save the nerves for another blog...I'm just going to enjoy the feeling for today.

xxNB

Hard to Read?

Good news: I'm back from my first date with the T&A guy. I actually really enjoyed myself. I like him. I like him not only because he's a T&A guy, but because he's funny, laid back and talks A LOT (I don't talk a lot, it makes for good balance and no awkward silences).

Bad news: Two things, actually...I still hate dating. I prefer the comfort of a relationship. I know this is partly my fault. I would rather go on 100 job interviews vs. one first date. I know I'm good at my job and I can "sell" myself as an employee. However, I have such a hard time selling myself as a person/mate. So silly, I know. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but my head takes over, then the stomach follows suit and I make myself crazy. Typically, once I get there and the date begins, I'm fine...it's the build up and the thoughts after that make me feel like I'm in high school again.

The other bit of bad news, which is kind of good news insight-wise-he was hard to read. That is feedback that I get, a lot. I now get it and I am a bit more understanding of how frustrating that is. I honestly have no idea if he enjoyed himself. I could not read him at all. I mean, he was pleasant, laughed, talked, asked questions...but as far as weather or not he wants to see me again-I have no clue. Usually I have a pretty good idea. I'm trying not to over-analyze too much. Time to go meditate...

I'm actually looking forward to a date

I am openly not a fan of dating. I find it a necessary means to an end. But, friends, remember this guy? I like to call him T&A guy. He never responded to my wink back then. However, while getting acquainted with a new site he winked at me. I would recognize that paragraph anywhere. The first phone call is in the books and I must say: He is very funny and has a great voice. The first date is Sunday. I'm giddy for a few reasons: I haven't had a date since date #2 with the Port Prince; he made me laugh more than once today; and it's the first time in a while that I have been EXCITED about a date. I'm not getting my hopes up...okay fine, I kinda am.

I Think I'm in Love

Lately my weekday evening entertainment has been browsing through profiles on various online dating websites. I came across a profile last night, and I couldn't help but laugh and say "finally." Here is my favorite part:

Physically? I am a fan of full lips, glasses (I thought Tina Fey was hot before it was popular), smiles and curves, be they the solid kind that come from time in the gym or the softer kind that come naturally. Confused? Do you have to mix-n-match her swimsuit tops n bottoms or hates button up shirts? Do know who Lady Grace is? Now all of that said, if the only thing about you to like is the way you look then stop reading and click on the next guy.

The pessimist in me says he's a T&A guy...but the optimist has winked at him!

xx NB