It a fit of boredom, frustration, and curiosity, I have signed myself up for online dating. Again.
This is not a new adventure for me as I did spend the greater part of a year (circa 6 years ago) writing a research paper on online dating, sex, and the internet. A vaguely naïve 19 year old, I signed myself up for several different sites and then categorized things like responses, age range, profession, number of contacts, frequency of contact and what not all based on factors I could control like pictures, personal blurb and everything that goes into a internet persona. I researched key words in profiles and then quizzed my unsuspecting friends (ahem, focus group) on the feelings and connotations these words inspired. I then went on a multitude of first dates to check out the research subject in person, some with much greater success than others. I fully admit this was not a truly scientific approach to the dating matrix, but damn if it was not amusing with a large helping of deranged.
(In summary, you need to know what you are looking for, sex, romance, love, religion, culture, money, swinging couples, furry-friends, when picking a dating site as they all cater to different things. Also, put up a picture of your normal, daily self smiling, crinkly eyes and lopsided smile included, for god’s sake. Picture reciprocity is important, but nothing is more disappointing than chatting with a Johnny Depp clone to only show up to find you’re on a date with Carrot Top’s non-steroid using, albino brother. I can also tell you the words men most respond to, but I still maintain that even after a year of this, it is much better to actually be yourself when writing your personal blurb. Then again, I also think having a personality, eccentric quirks and all, is quite endearing. Duh.)
So, suffice to say, I am a whiz at first date banter from this experience alone. However, I have gotten increasingly crotchety with age and militant in my refusal to guide the conversation into the safe zones of flirty repartee. I often feel like I’ve found myself inadvertently on an episode of The Pick-Up Artist when on date, just with better accessories and hopefully less douche-baggery.
You can always tell when a guy has been watching way too much relationship reality TV, the slightly awkward, meant to be casual touches, the elaborate opening set-up*, the careful negative observation in hopes of eliciting a passionate response. *“I’m growing my facial hair to give to charity, what do you think?” Sadly, “I think you are an asshat” doesn’t seem to be the response for which they were looking…
Online, you can also always tell when a man is still exceedingly bitter about past relationships.
“I will not call you ‘Princess,’ even though you have signs that say you are above every door. I will hold open doors for you as long as you don’t slam one shut in my face. No purse holding here.”
“I’m looking for a no-drama, slender and fit woman who doesn’t have any dating baggage with ex’s who may or may not be out of the picture. Must be open to change.”
Whew. Paging Bitter, party of one? Bitter, party of one?
So, in summary, I’m online again ready to commence another dating experiment, including “adventure” in your profile may be a good plan, reality TV may be killing your love life in more ways than one, and airing bitter grievances in the love-hungry world of online dating makes you look like a chump.
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